Saturday, December 23, 2006

Top Ten Tips to a Merry Christmas

I've created this list of tips in order to help my own family enjoy the holiday (which begins in less that one hour for us because my dad is working the holiday as usual...ggrr), and thought you guys might find these tips useful as well.

10. If sparks fly when plugging 20 year old Christmas lights into an outlet, go ahead and splurge on new lights.

9. It's way easier (and probably cheaper) to just replace certain decorations than to purchase 10 apple-spice plug ins to cover that electrical/melting plastic smell.

8. Spike that Christmas punch. Face it, nothing is more merry than getting grandma tipsied up.

7. Be certain that nobody is on prescription medicines (that aren't to be mixed with alcohol) before spiking the Christmas punch (doh!).

6. For those of you visiting alcohol free zones- Always keep trial sized bottles in the purse and glove compartment of vehicles.

5. NEVER drink and drive. Besides the obvious, it gives others joy to find you passed out under their tree, spooning the family pet, on Christmas morning.

4. When visiting multiple homes on Christmas day, never say "I've already eaten" or go on and on about how good someone else's stuffing is. Just shuddup and eat like you've never eaten before.

3. Never tell the story about when you first discovered there was no Santa in front of children.

2. Never tell that "When I was stationed in Korea at Christmas time..." story, involving two Korean prostitutes and an angry pimp, in front of children.

Honestly, we love it that you've served and adore hearing about how you came to get those stitches in your head (time and time again), but timing is everything here. ;)

And the number one tip to producing a Merry Christmas...

1. Never tell caroling 3-5 year olds in a Christmas choir to "shut up" then throw them out of the mall.

I guarantee, they will cry, and there's nothing merry about that.

I'll end with a funny Christmas quote:

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.

This wasn't for any religious reason.

They just couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!
--- Jay Leno

Merry Christmas to all. :)


linda said...

You mean Jay said something funny? heh Very good advice. Also, try to finish shopping before Xmas Eve or you'll be stuck with plenty of grinches!

Have a very Merry Christmas!

RT said...

Definitely agree on #2. I can't tell you how many times we've had to tell the creepy uncle to shut up about the hookers. (Kidding)

I cannot believe those mean security guards! How freakin' rude! Poor things. I would've started taunting the rent-a-cops if I had been there...flashbacks to my youth.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Great tips, Uber.
#1 is so mean.
Some people have no couth, I suppose.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Merry Christmas, BTW! :)

Faded_Glory47 said...

Another helpful hint Frau Uber..for those of us not blessed like you to be in warm weather climates this time of year..Credit Frank Zappa with this one: "Don't Eat Yellow Snow" Merry Christmas to you and yours.

kateykakes said...

Merry Christmas, Uber. :)

Wyatt Earp said...

Merry Christmas, Uber!!!

And that was one of the funniest posts I have read in a while! "Spooning the family pet;" yeah, I've been there.

Uber said...

Lin- Found myself in a dept. store grabbing that one last gift on Christmas Eve, almost everything sold out. The item I purchased (massage chair) didn't work and has to be returned....and that's the way it goes, isn't it? lol

RT- I too wondered why nobody broke redneck on the security guards, til I noticed the location of the incident. They don't even have rednecks there, do they? *g*

CUG- Merry Christmas to you too!

FG- Christmas Eve was so sunny & warm, I thought, "Well, at least this is better than cold and dreary with no snow." Yeah, today it's raining, no snow. haha Merry Christmas. ;)

Katey- You too Katey, hope you enjoy every moment. :)

Thanks, Earpy. :) Hope your Christmas is schweet!

linda said...

Here's wishing you an easy return! You may need your own chair!

I also ran out to get 2 small gifts for a couple of kids that have everything! It was hard to walk while kicking myself at the same time! There were lots of people out.

I'm about to hit the wet road for my cousin's south of here. Driving last night to other relatives' across town was awful. With my eye not up to par, it was like driving on a mirror. They've mentioned the S word for late tonight! No accumilation. They better be right!

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Uber said...

Be so careful and safe, Lin. Saying a lil prayer for ya... ost of all, have fun! :)

Donald Douglas said...

Uber Christmas to you and yours!

Burkean Reflections

linda said...

Thanks for the assistance! ;) Much fun was had! No snow!

Uber said...

A Happy New Year to you donald, thanks for the link. ;)

Lin, glad you made it to and fro ok and all that, let's not be too extreme, yaying for no snow and stuff though! *g*