(Scroll down for Part II)
Part One: The Clothes Make the Man (Confused)
Sun streaming through the curtains, Howard woke with a rub of the eye. He stretched and released a great big "Yeeeaaarrgghh!" as he searched in vain for his testicles in order to scratch them.
He sat up suddenly, remembering more important things than finding his testicles. Like the news conference in which he'd be expected to comment on the Bush administration's policy of eavesdropping on terrorists later that afternoon.
"Hoooooney!" he called into the peaceful silence, "What should I wear today?!"
"I've absolutely no idea dear!" his wife called back sweetly. "Why don't you call your advisors and ask them?" she asked, her eye twitching as she popped several yellow candied "stress busters".
"Good idea." Howard muttered as he grabbed the phone and dialed the number. But just then, only half way through entering his advisor's telephone number, a gnawing fear gripped Howard's insides and he started over, dialing the number of John Kerry instead.
"Hello, this is the I served in Vietnam and won three medals residence."
Ahh. At last, Howard immediately became soothed by Kerry's homogeneous monotones.
"Hey buddy, it's me. I was just wondering..." Howard paused a moment to appreciate the sound of his own acute voice. "What are you wearing today? I'm not sure what I should wear, and you have such great taste...." he continued.
"Well, at the moment I'm still in my satin dressing gown." Kerry interrupted with a chuckle. Just then, Kerry heard a beep, "Hold on just a moment, Howie. I have a call on the other line." Then, "Hey, it's Teddy and he's as sober as I've ever heard him today but he doesn't know what to wear either. He suggests a three way, what do you think?"
"Well I don't know, John. You know how aggressive Nancy becomes when we do this stuff without her, and Edwards might get a little jealous...again. And shouldn't we find out what they're all wearing today before we make any important decisions? What do you think?"
"By Zeus, you're right Howie." Kerry exclaimed with all the excitement of a wet dish rag. "What was I thinking? We need unity in the Democratic Party now more than ever. See, this is just one more reason why you truly are the best choice as our leader."
"Aw, gee. Thanks John, you really know how to make a guy feel like a million bucks. Yeeeaaargghh!!!!!!!" Dean replied. "But enough about that, I'm still in my boxers here and it's kind of cold, lets do a five way with Teddy, Nancy, and John boy to figure out what I should wear today."
To be continued........
How will it all end? Will the Democrats be able to help Howard find something to wear, or will he forever remain on the edge of the bed in his boxers?
Tune in again later to find out.
Part II: What Do You Get When You Cross 5 Democrats With the Important Task of Getting Dressed? (A Crossdresser Perhaps?)
Once Kerry got through to all the Democrats in question, he put them on speaker and put his feet up because all of the holding of the telephone was making him tired.
"Ok people, this is an important day for the Democratic party...er...I mean America. We can't afford to fumble on this one. Bush is stampling all over the civil rights of angry foreign brown-er people who are only acting out some because the American military is terrorizing them." he warned. "To combat this treasonous threat to civil rights in America and make us all look good, Howie needs to look like a real American today. So let's put our heads together."
"Hey John, I thought you said we were never to mention the t word when speaking on the issue of the foreign brown-er people who are just poor and stuff." Edwards pointed out.
"I never said that at all, John boy. I say what I mean and mean what I say. The American military are the ones terrorizing, plain and simple." Kerry haughtily responded.
Nancy chimed in with a shrill tone, much like that of nails being drawn down a chalk board. "Why don't you just shut up so we can get down to more important business b*tch boy, all our reputations are on the line here if we can't figure out what a real American looks like and dumb ass is still in his panties."
"Hey! Metrosexual men don't wear panties, Nancy. And I'm a metrosexual." Dean said.
"You don't even know what a metrosexual is, do you?!" Nancy asked Dean.
"Ok, I admit it. I don't even know what that is. You caught me." Howard laughed nervously as he looked out the window and pulled the cover over his lap. "But it's not like I'm wearing panties under my boxers either."
"Yeah!" Edwards replied. "And Nance, just for the record, I'm just trying to stay up to speed on this stuff. And it's J-o-h-n boy. You'd feel pretty ding-danged silly if you got that wrong in public."
"Do you want me to punish you, b-*-t-c-h boy? You do don't you!? You want it, just admit..."
Just then Teddy woke up and mumbled, "Wass alllla commooshun? Immm tlyin ta flink ere!"
Howard exclaimed, "Yeeeaaaarrrrgh! I can just feel the emotion crackling all the way over here people! In New Hampshire ... in South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and California and Texas and New York! And South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan! And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House, Yeeeeeaaaaaargh!" He cackled some through his chokes and coughs.
"Tone it down, eh Howie. This is why you lost the primaries to me big time. That and my humble natured war heroism in which I won three purple hearts that I would never throw away." Kerry yawned.
"Oopsie, sorry. Maybe I do get carried away just a little, but this is an exciting day for America and I'm getting chill bumps. Let's get this energy channeled into something constructive!"
"Fankfunking tashtic lidea, showard... ah hell... ah mlean Coward. Nowl wutza flunk wers we tlalnking abrout?"
"Terrorists Teddy. You want me to come over there and tell you up close and personal, don't you?! Admit it, you do don't you, you drunken bast..."
"Nancy!" Kerry exclaimed, cutting her short. "We don't mention that t word, not ever. We do and we're dead as a political force in America, remember?"
"But you just said..." Edwards started.
"I did not." Kerry interrupted.
"But I didn't finish what I was..."
"Clearly I never said that John boy." Kerry continued. "But if I had I would have meant it because I say what I mean and mean what I say."
"Kerry, why don't you just admit it!" Nancy ground out from between gritted teeth. "You did say we're never to use the t word and then you used the t word just to once again say to never use the t word. You're flip-flopping around like my husband beneath the whip and skating on real thin ice with me Mister! You want me to..."
"Now, now. No need for all of that Nancy." Kerry explained. "While it may look like I was flip-flopping at first glance, that's so obviously not the case when you look a little deeper. I'm just flexible and willing to change course when the course needs changing. That doesn't mean I'm flip-flopping, that just means I'm perfect and the best thing that's ever happened to this nation. Besides, it's when talking about the brown-er people who are just acting out a little because they are poor that we don't use the t word. I was talking about the American military who are doing the terrorizing, that's different. Saying what I mean and meaning what I say is brave and I'm as much a hero for saying that as I am for winning three purple hearts."
"You just gotta love this guy." Edwards sniffed.
Obviously humbled, Nancy sighed and quietly nursed the angry teeth wounds upon her lips. "That was beautiful, Kerry, the presidency was sooo yours....if the criminal and insensitive Republicans had only not threatened the largely secular American public into voting for that Jesus freak..."
On that note Teddy roused from his slumber momentarily to exclaim, "Slepterashun ov chlurch and slate!"
"Amen, Teddy!" they all chimed together, except Dean who had grown distracted by the search for that itch again.
"Howard..." Nancy warned, "Pay attention, this is important!"
Grinning sheepishly he replied, "I'm with ya Nancy, just looking for something. It's very frustrating..YEEAAAARRGHH!"
"Ok then, enough about me." Kerry said. "Today is Dean's day. And America's day. Can we finally get on with this now? I'm overdue for my nap."
Dean asked, "But aren't you supposed to go to work today. Vote for or against something, or whatever it is that you do?"
"Oh yeah.." Kerry replied. "Oh well."
"Ok people, give me some input on what I should wear to that press conference today." Dean said with renewed energy. "Hey, maybe we should call Hillary and get her advice on this."
Nancy clapped and yelled, "Yay! Oh my, Howard dear. That is an absolutely fabulous idea! As with most everything, Hillary knows everything there is to know about these 'make an American looking impression' press conference things."
"Oh no, I don't know if that's such a good idea at all Howie. Hillary scares me, the last time I called her I peed myself a little and hung up as soon as she said 'Hello'. And that wasn't the first time that's happened...pleeaase don't call Hillary." Edwards pleaded.
"Just what are you trying to say, b-*-t-c-h boy? That a woman in power is frightening? That her opinions can't be trusted because she's female? That women aren't equal to men in this day and age? Well your attitude is sexist and disgusting! Why don't you just admit it, you want me to teach you a thing or two about women's superiority over men, don't you?! DON'T YOU?!" Nancy shrieked with indignation.
"Nancy, Nancy, Nancy" Kerry soothed. "I think all Edwards is trying to say is that Hillary can be a formidable individual to the lesser species at times, because she is so wonderfully powerful and wise in the ways of politicking."
Edwards breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh yeah, John's right as always. Have I said today just how much I love this guy by the way? Anyhow, Hillary also just isn't as easy to talk to and get close to as you are Nance. I'm not saying she's a cold fish or anything, but she just doesn't radiate near the amount of warmth that you do, which is why Howie asked you for your help and not Hillary!"
Nancy relaxed her fists, only a few slivers of fingernail remaining in the palms of her hands. "Well, of course I can understand that. Thank you, John. Thank you as well, John." Everyone one laughed hilariously at Nancy's joke and congratulated one another on their ability to be funnier and have a better sense of humor than the 'Rethuglicans', which inspired another round of giggles and congratulations.
Teddy woke again long enough to belch, reminding them all of the more serious issues at hand.
Nancy generously offered, "My best advice to you, Howard, would be to wear something 'middle of the road'. Something that's not too expensive nor too cheap, not too casual nor too dressy. Not too black, not too white. Most importantly, we should be sensible and face the fact that we're never going to figure out what a real American looks like and just never wear things that evil Republicans wear. The only way we Democrats can convince Americans that we're different and like them is to wear something Rebublicans don't wear. Ever."
Kerry beamed, "That's absolute genius, Nancy. Also, it's vaguely familiar. They say up, we say down. They say over, we say under. They say national security, we say civil liberties. They say education, we say indoctrination. They say economic freedom, we say what's that. But does anyone have any ideas as to how we can apply this tried and true liberal philosophy to fashion?"
"A bow tie maybe." Dean suggested.
"How about some purple hearts like the ones I won and am a hero because of?" Kerry asked.
"I know!" Edwards yelled into the telephone "A dress! Republicans would never be caught dead in dresses!"
Nancy took a deep breath and counted to two. "Wrong headed and dumb assed Dean." she said. "You should have a bumper sticker made that says just that and be forced to wear it between your eyes with those lavender panties over your head. Yeah, I'm watching you. And Kerry. First of all, hello, lots of Republicans have served in the U.S. military and received medals. Including purple hearts. Second, if we go sticking unearned purple hearts on Howard the Republicans will just say 'oh but he didn't earn them, purple hearts must be earned to be admired' much like with you and your purple hearts. It just brings attention to the fact that they have earned purple hearts as well. The time may have come to just stop talking about purple hearts completely. And b-*-t-c-h boy...where to even begin..." Just then, Nancy turned somewhat purple just trying to think of all the different ways she could torture Edward.
"Dresses?! Are you high? Have you been huffing Kerry's cologne again? I know what you're up to here! You want it...oh you want it bad. And I'm gonna give it to you!" Nancy seethed, as she began ripping the strings from her sneakers.
"Wass alllla commooshun? Fer za glov of za glads muts ah klep telllin yous ignetards ahm tlyin ta flink ere?!" came Teddy's garbled patriotism, inspiring everyone to burn off some steam and yell profanities. Profanity which strongly suggested he just shut up, saving Edward's life and limb again.
Teddy blinked then passed out for good.
Kerry tentatively reopened the discussion after a long moment of fondly listening to Teddy's snore and Edward's sniffles. "While I'm clearly wounded and in denial about the end of further discussions involving my purple hearts that I won because I'm a hero, I'm wondering if Nancy has anything that doesn't involve strangulation to offer at this point."
"Yes I do, Kerry. Being a liberal woman who is superior to others I've always got an alternate plan. I think Howard should wear a suit like everyone else, only choose a color that no male Republican would dare think of, much less actually wear. This will cause him to stand apart from the Republicans showing that we Democrats really are different and have alternate plans without going too far out of the mainstream and insulting all those undecided or potential swing voting Neanderthal."
"Yeeeaaarrrgh! I love it Nancy! And I've got just the pink thing to make this day go down in history as the day the Democrats took back the White House!"
Dean and the rest of the Democrats hung up just before he jumped from bed and ran to his closet with child-like glee. He threw the pink suit on and ran for the door screaming "Yeeeaaarrrrggghhh!" in order to make it to the press conference on time.
Halfway out the door, it began to occur to Dean that he not only had no idea what to say about the Bush administration's eavesdropping on terrorists at the press conference, he had absolutely not a clue as to what to actually think about anything at all today because so much attention had been given to the whole what to wear and be American looking thing. He stepped back inside the door.
"Hooooney!" he called to his wife. "What should I think about the Bush administration's eavesdropping on terr...uh...I mean uh, innocent angry brown-er people today? Or is that Americans? Hoooooney??!!"
"I've absolutely no idea dear!" his wife called back sweetly. "Why don't you call your advisors and ask them?" she asked, her eye twitching as she popped several more yellow candied "stress busters".
"Great thinking." Howard muttered as he grabbed the phone and dialed the number. But just then, only half way through entering his advisor's telephone number, a gnawing fear gripped Howard's insides and he started over, dialing the number of John Kerry instead.
"Hello, this is the I served in Vietnam and won three medals residence." Kerry aswered.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
(Scroll down for Part II)
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Oh, where to start?
How about criticizing Bush for not doing enough to protect Americans while attacking him for doing too much to protect Americans.
Let me see, wiretapping terrorists bad; Photographing and fingerprinting innocent Americans like common criminals good and wholesome. Hm.
Howard Dean compared the president to George Orwell and said "Americans need a president who will keep them safe and enforce the law. We don't need a Big Brother."
Barbara Boxer, D-CA, has asked four presidential scholars to send their opinions about whether the president's actions justified an impeachment "as soon as possible."
Dianne Feinstein, joined Senate Democrats Carl Levin, and Ron Wyden, along with Republican "maverick" Chuck Hagel and "centrist" Olympia Snowe, in a call for the Senate Intelligence and Judiciary Committees to investigate the wiretaps. Harry Reid and Republican Arlen Specter also want to schedule hearings.
Meanwhile, centrist democrats are getting nervous.
"Some centrist Democrats say attacks by their party leaders on the Bush administration's eavesdropping on suspected terrorist conversations will further weaken the party's credibility on national security."
"I think when you suggest that civil liberties are just as much at risk today as the country is from terrorism, you've gone too far if you leave that impression. I don't believe that's true," said Michael O'Hanlon, a national-security analyst at the Brookings Institution who advises Democrats on defense issues.
"I get nervous when I see the Democrats playing this [civil liberties] issue out too far. They had better be careful about the politics of it," said Mr. O'Hanlon, who says the Patriot Act is "good legislation."
These Democrats say attacks on anti-terrorist intelligence programs will deepen mistrust of their ability to protect the nation's security, a weakness that led in part to the defeat of Sen. John Kerry, the Democratic presidential nominee, last year.
"The Republicans still hold the advantage on every national-security issue we tested," said Mark Penn, a Democratic pollster and former adviser to President Clinton, who co-authored a Democratic Leadership Council (DLC) memo on the party's national-security weaknesses."
Oh yes, centrist democrats are getting nervous. For good reason considering the fact that even a majority of their own party actually supports the President on NSA.
December 28, 2005 - Sixty-four percent (64%) of Americans believe the National Security Agency (NSA) should be allowed to intercept telephone conversations between terrorism suspects in other countries and people living in the United States. A Rasmussen Reports survey found that just 23% disagree.
Sixty-eight percent (68%) of Americans say they are following the NSA story somewhat or very closely.
Just 26% believe President Bush is the first to authorize a program like the one currently in the news. Forty-eight percent (48%) say he is not while 26% are not sure.
Eighty-one percent (81%) of Republicans believe the NSA should be allowed to listen in on conversations between terror suspects and people living in the United States. That view is shared by 51% of Democrats and 57% of those not affiliated with either major political party.
Ouch, that's gotta hurt.
The only remaining question is, just how fast can a RINO jump from a wagon moving faster than the speed of sound?
Posted by Uber at 3:00 PM
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
"The people who believe that, as a result of industrial development, life is about to become a hell, or may be one already, are guilty, at least, of sloppy pronouncements. On page 8 of Earth in the Balance, Al Gore claims that his study of the arms race gave him "a deeper appreciation for the most horrifying fact in all our lives: civilization is now capable of destroying itself." In the first place, the most horrifying fact in many of our lives is that our ex-spouse has gotten ahold of our ATM card. And civilization has always been able to destroy itself. The Greeks of ancient Athens, who had a civilization remarkable for lack of technological progress during its period of greatest knowledge and power, managed to destroy them fine." - P.J. O'Rourke
"I can understand why mankind hasn't given up war. During a war you get to drive tanks through the sides of buildings and shoot foreigners - two things that are usually frowned on during peacetime." - P.J. O'Rourke
"The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet comes out, yet what a big difference it would make in your social schedule." - P.J. O'Rourke
"You can't get good chinese takeout in China and cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism." - P.J. O'Rourke
"At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child - miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosphy of sniveling brats." - P.J. O'Rourke
"The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don't go there they shoot you." - P.J. O'Rourke
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it." - Ronald Reagan
"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane, and smells like Cheetah." - Ronald Reagan
"The last bunch of pickets were carrying signs that said 'Make love, not war.'
The only trouble was they didn't look capable of doing either." - Ronald Reagan
If we can just remember these bits of wisdom and apply them to our daily lives, it'll all be good yet another year.
Posted by Uber at 2:05 PM
Monday, December 26, 2005
* Danger and anti-war stance keep celebrities away
* Shows now depend on Christian hip-hop groups
But...but...they support the troops, just not the war, right? [ad retching nauseam]
I'd go over and entertain them myself but I'm pretty sure these folks aren't all that interested in having their picture painted. On the other hand, I do a pretty good imitation of Marilyn Monroe (except the whole dark haired/not tall thing...arg!) and there are those cheers I made up to pick on cheerleaders. Hey, it's not nothing. Anyone who is anyone and reading this (riiight), make note of these uber-talents.
(Thank God for Christian hip-hop artists, huh?)
Seriously, this is just one more reason why we Americans must all work 10 times harder than ever before to let our service members know we haven't forgotten them and appreciate all their sacrifices.
Support the Troops
Posted by Uber at 2:10 PM
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Update II: This just in; First Uber photo on Christmas day.
Do I have that "I've been slipping Baileys in my coffee all afternoon so I should probably just stand here and hold this wall up to be safe" look or what? ;)
Ok, I managed to sneak away just a moment to wish you all the Merriest Christmas ever, which I have been doing all week I know, but now that it's actually Christmas I'm adding an ! to that. So...
Merry Christmas to all!
Must. Cook. Hope your all having a schweet Christmas (and ham, mmm ham). :)
Update I: I'm working on a new post, not because I'm caught up on everything I have to do or anything but I'm that close (think gift boxes and bags this busy Christmas season). Anyhow, you are about to know everything you never wanted to know about Santa. Hooray!
I finally finished (I think) the Christmas greeting featuring the new kitty, Precious. She is one really mean little kitty inspiring people to say "Well, isn't she precious" as they attempt to sling her from their foot and remove her teeth from their flesh. Everyone I know dislikes cats for no good reason so I find it more than a little amusing that she tries to hurt them for no good reason. Therefore, I shall keep her forever and Precious it is!
Had to take about 40 photos of her to get this one where she's not leaping to eat the camera, shiny lights make her crazy..er.
I'll leave this post to float until after Christmas because I know how much y'all just love photos of my cats. ;)
Oh yeah, I also forgot to thank Tyler D. of 45-Caliber Justice for the shiny font (Frosty) used in the Christmas greeting above, found it following one of his free font links. Thanks for the shiny free font link Tyler!
Posted by Uber at 12:00 PM
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
December 6 marks Saint Nicholas Day as he is one of the most popular saints in the Greek and Latin church.
Some say St. Nicholas existed only in legend, without any reliable historical record. Legends do usually grow from real, actual events, however embellished to make more interesting stories. That said, I do believe that some facts of the life of St. Nicholas certainly contain at least some part of historical truth interwoven with great imagination and provide a sense of the man's personal character as well.
Given the super power of Santa Claus on the matter of gifts, children are sure to be good (for at least a week) and leave Santa some yummy cookies and milk out on Christmas Eve. While this tradition is timeless and schweet, most children don't know that there is much more to Saint Nick than cookies and presents. Perhaps those of us who are in disagreement on which version to share with children should strike a compromise and share the ancient tales with older children who have outgrown the mysterious and jolly guy who lands on roof tops with a "Ho! Ho! Ho!" (I'm trying hard to not give any secrets away here because I'm suspicious that a few of you aren't quite there yet haha). In any case, I like the ancient tales and will repeat them at every opportunity, and am unstoppable in this endeavor.
Ancient biographers tell us that Saint Nicholas was born to wealthy parents in the city of Patara (what is now Turkey) about 270 AD (the exact date is not known, it is believed to have occurred between AD 260 and 280). While he was still young his mother and father died and left him a fortune. Nicholas was said to have used this inheritance to benefit others, especially children. Called the Wonderworker, he was obviously well known for generosity to children, hence the legend of Santa. The story of a benevolent soul giving gifts to children is a part of many cultures with many names. Saint Nick and Santa Claus as other names for Saint Nicholas continues to this day.
The story of the dowries for three poor girls-
There are three very ancient and very similar accounts of this. This event reveals significant aspects of the saint's personality, most importantly, his charitable giving and humility in so doing.
As a teen, Nicholas' kind nature was evident as upon hearing of a destitute and starving family (the father having no money for food, much less the dowry needed to marry off his three daughters), Nicholas threw a bag of gold coins through the window of their humble dwelling under the cover of night. In the morning the father discovered the gold and rejoiced. His family was saved, his daughter's honor preserved, and a dowry for her marriage secured. Some time after, Nicholas secretly provided a dowry for the second and the third daughter as well.
As the story goes, on the third occasion, the girls' father stood watching. As soon as the bag of gold landed on the floor he chased after the young man and caught up with him. Nicholas, who was mortified at having been discovered in his act of charity, made the father promise to tell not a soul who had helped his family (obviously someone told but that's not the point, the point is the humility of the act).
The bags of gold are said to have landed in stockings or shoes left by the fire to dry and this led to the custom of hanging stockings, children eagerly awaiting gifts from Saint Nicholas and how he became known as the gift-giver.
There are many more stories featuring Saint Nicholas that I'm not going to actually tell due to time but will list some personal favorites that can be found on the web to point any interested readers into the right direction.
*The story of how Saint Nicholas became the Bishop of Myra-
Nicholas became the Bishop of Myra in Turkey, playing an important leadership role in the church. Unusual as it was for a layman to be nominated to the position of bishop, two sources corroborate this story.
*The story of how Saint Nicholas Participated in the Council of Nicaea-
While Bishop Nicholas does not appear on all lists of attenders, his name does appear on the oldest Greek list and five other lists as well.
*The story of how Saint Nicholas saved three condemned innocents-
This is the oldest and most genuine recorded event from the life of Saint Nicholas. Historical documentation confirms the many references to place names and people (some versions expanding the account to include the story of the three generals.)
*The story of how Saint Nicholas intervened in favor of the unjustly jailed-
The interesting figures in this story are well known in other modern accounts where they are portrayed in similar ways as well.
*The story of the destruction of the temple of Artemis-
This account reveals a great knowledge of detail concerning the temple. This would have been unknown to a writer several centuries later had it not been based on an account coming out of the people and traditions of that particular city.
So, exactly how did a kind and humble Christian saint become the jolly red-suited American symbol for a merry and festive Christmas, not to mention much commercial activity, you might ask (or maybe not, but I'm still telling you).
From the Saint Nicholas Center,
"After the American Revolution, New Yorkers remembered with pride the colony's nearly-forgotten Dutch roots. John Pintard, influential patriot and antiquarian, who founded the New York Historical Society in 1804, promoted St. Nicholas as patron saint of both society and city. In January 1809, Washington Irving joined the society and on St. Nicholas Day that year he published the satirical fiction, Knickerbocker's History of New York, which made numerous references to a jolly St. Nicholas character. This was not a saintly bishop, rather an elfin Dutch burgher with a clay pipe. These delightful flights of imagination are the origin of the New Amsterdam St. Nicholas legends: that the first Dutch emigrant ship had a figurehead of St. Nicholas; that St. Nicholas Day was observed in the colony; that the first church was dedicated to him: and that St. Nicholas comes down chimneys to bring gifts. Irving's work was regarded as the "first notable work of imagination in the New World."
The New York Historical Society held its first St. Nicholas anniversary dinner on December 6, 1810. John Pintard commissioned artist Alexander Anderson to create the first American image of Nicholas for the occasion. Nicholas was shown in a gift-giving role with children's treats in stockings hanging at a fireplace. The accompanying poem ends, "Saint Nicholas, my dear good friend! To serve you ever was my end, If you will, now, me something give, I'll serve you ever while I live."
The jolly elf image received a big boost in 1823, from a poem destined to become immensely popular, "A Visit from St. Nicholas," now better known as "The Night Before Christmas."
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf. . . .
Washington Irving's St. Nicholas strongly influenced the poem's portrayal of a round, pipe-smoking, elf-like St. Nicholas. The poem generally has been attributed to Clement Clark Moore, a professor of biblical languages at New York's Episcopal General Theological Seminary. However, a case has been made by Don Foster in Author Unknown, that Henry Livingston actually penned it in 1807 or 1808. Livingston was a farmer/patriot who wrote humorous verse for children. In any case, "A Visit from St. Nicholas" became a defining American holiday classic. No matter who was the author, it has had an enormous influence on the American transformation of St. Nicholas.
Other artists and writers continued the change to an elf-like St. Nicholas, "Sancte Claus," or "Santa Claus," unlike the stately European bishop. In 1863, political cartoonist Thomas Nast began a series of annual drawings in Harper's Weekly which were based on the descriptions found in the poem and Washington Irving's work. These drawings established a rotund Santa with flowing beard, fur garments, and an omnipresent clay pipe. As Nast drew Santas until 1886, his work had considerable influence in forming the American Santa Claus. Along with changes in appearance, the saint's name changed to Santa Claus as a natural phonetic alteration from the German Sankt Niklaus and Dutch Sinterklaas.
Dozens of artists portrayed Santa in a wide range of styles, sizes, and colors, including Norman Rockwell on Saturday Evening Post covers. But it was in the 1930s that the now-familiar American Santa image solidified. Haddon Sundblom began thirty-five years of Coca-Cola Santa advertisements which finally established Santa as an icon of contemporary commercial culture. This Santa was life-sized, jolly, and wearing the now familiar red suit. He appeared in magazines, on billboards, and shop counters encouraging Americans to see Coke as the solution to "a thirst for all seasons." By the 1950s Santa was turning up everywhere as a benign source of beneficence. This commercial success has led to the North American Santa Claus being exported around the world where he threatens to overcome the European St. Nicholas, who has retained his identity as a Christian bishop and saint.
It's been a long journey from the Fourth Century Bishop of Myra, St. Nicholas, who showed his devotion to God in extraordinary kindness and generosity, to America's jolly Santa Claus. However, if you peel back the accretions he is still Nicholas, Bishop of Myra, whose caring surprises continue to model true giving and faithfulness. In the United States there is growing interest in the original saint to help recover the spiritual dimension of this festive time. For indeed, St. Nicholas, lover of the poor and patron saint of children, is a model of how Christians are meant to live. A priest, a bishop, Nicholas put Jesus Christ at the center of his life, his ministry, his entire existence. Families, churches, and schools are embracing true St Nicholas traditions as one way to claim the true center of Christmas, the birth of Jesus. Such a focus helps restore balance to increasingly materialistic and stress-filled Advent and Christmas seasons."
Click here to read the entire history (and to see the cool photos because Blogger won't let me upload those which I saved to my pc for this very purpose).
As a side note, at the end of the Photos Help page Blogger says on the topic of uploading photos-
It's free. Go nuts people!
Go nuts, indeed. ;)
Posted by Uber at 3:20 PM
Saturday, December 17, 2005
A week until Christmas, Hooray!
I saved lots of stuff for the last week, as usual.
Not only will there be light posting but I probably won't be posting much of anything except photos of this and that until after Christmas. Today there was last minute help with the costumes with the children's Christmas play (they want to borrow a sword, a real sword no less...) then lots of last minute shopping and their play is tomorrow. I've until then to get my camera fixed or there will be no great photos, just sorta ok photos. Oh noes! Hoping it's just the batteries that are kaput because I've put well over 2 thousand smackaroos into that camera (ew).
Since the children are borrowing a sword I'm thinking this will be the play to be remembered and documented (maybe to flee from too). I did try to warn more responsible adults about the whole sword thing and received replies like "cool", "neat", "that's nice of you", and "whatever, tell them to not impale anyone" and threatened to kick some serious kid butt if anyone ends up impaled so I hereby release myself from all further responsibility. I'm not even a Baptist (and they all know it) but can tell you for certain that if you're looking for a church that caters to children (and people who know how to laugh) seek out Baptists! The only catch is that not only can you never escape once you've joined their ranks (however sporadically you attend), there's nothing you can to do make them not want you around. Trust me here. haha
But I ramble. Back to the point. Light posting from now until whenever. Will post photos with brief commentary. ;)
Like this from The Big Carolina Ice Storm yesterday and the day before.
And this from The Little Kitten in My Christmas Tree (who looks like she's on crack, Christmas trees are very exciting!)
She totally killed that ornament. The ad that I put in the paper seeking a home for her reads: "Calm and sweet tabby, loves to cuddle." Bwahahaha!
Hope y'all are all having a great weekend. ;)
Posted by Uber at 5:33 AM
Thursday, December 15, 2005
First I lost a brilliant post (ok, so maybe brilliant is a strong word) on the subject of the Muslim uprising in Australia (lost it twice actually), then I lost "The Post About Nothing" which was composed in a desperate move to just freakin' post something...anything, even if nothing. You'd think I'd have been wise enough to have hit the draft tab at some point there, wouldn't you? Nope, not even once.
Anyhow, I prayed for snow and got a slushy mushy ice storm. The power is in and out so I'm thinking it's weighing on the power lines or something. This is what I get for not saving prayers for important stuff like ending world hunger and that camera I hope someone gets me for Christmas. I should probably just shut the pc down and catch up on some work but that's not what I'm going to do. Because I don't wanna. Instead, I'm just going to sit here and visit all my favorite blogs leaving silly comments until I either lose power completely or grow bored. Maybe hungry too.
Let's call this The Post That's Not Even About Nothing. Here's a photo that has absolutely nothing to do with this post about less than nothing except that it has nothing to with anything at all. It's cute though, huh?
Amuse me or something people! Don't let me down. Everyone I know is off causing traffic jams and accidents in an attempt to buy all of the bread and milk up because they saw some ice/snow slush (or heard there would be some 100 miles away) and think there's Armageddon/end of time type stuff going on. My mother called to tell me that she bought 50 rolls of tp, 11 bottles of makeup and a bottle of crown royal for my dad so I know they'll be ok if it turns out to be worse than I'm thinking. Feel free to leave me some comments about nothing or ask some questions about anything (or nothing in particular) and I'll reply or answer between temporarily not having power until finally there's no power at all. Or not. Whatever. Just put something in my comments already, I'm bored! And easily amused. ;)
Posted by Uber at 2:24 PM
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Iraqi Exiles Cast First Votes in Election
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - "Iraqis abroad cast the first ballots in their country's election on Tuesday, two days before their compatriots vote for postwar Iraq's first full-term parliament.
From Australia through the Middle East to the United States, 557 polling stations opened in 15 countries where more than one million Iraqis were eligible to vote abroad.
Organizers expect a higher turnout over three days of voting than in a January 30 poll for an interim assembly when only a quarter of eligible Iraqis cast ballots abroad."
In Baghdad, Iraqis Talk Ballot Box Not Holy War
BAGHDAD (Reuters) - "Graffiti in west Baghdad's rebel Aadhamiya district calls for holy war, not elections, but the mood there and on streets across the city was the opposite on the eve of Thursday's parliamentary poll."
For even more perspective, compare Iraq today to the latest reports concerning neighboring Iran.
"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad escalated his anti-Israeli rhetoric Wednesday, calling the Holocaust a "myth".
He also provoked an international outcry in October when he called for Israel to be "wiped off the map."
"I assure you that we won't step back one inch from our nuclear rights," the president told the crowd, drawing chants of "Death to America!"
Ahmadinejad has been unapologetic about taking Iran on a more openly defiant course, insisting on Iran's right to develop its nuclear program — which it insists is peaceful — and often using rhetoric reminiscent of the 1980s heyday of the Islamic Revolution.
In Brussels, Belgium, European Commission spokeswoman Emma Udwin said the president's comments were "completely unacceptable."
"We feel very strongly that Iran is damaging its own interests with these kind of remarks," she said."
Ya think? But he's just keepin' it real and tellin' it like it is (according to Iran, anyhow). It's certainly better to know Iran's true intent than to not.
Can anyone tell me again why regime change and democracy in the case of a terrorist state that absolutely refuses to behave is such a bad idea?
Update I: A shiny quote from an Iraqi citizen found over at 45-Caliber Justice.
“Anybody who doesn’t appreciate what America has done and President Bush, let them go to hell”
– Iraqi Citizen, voter Betty Dawisha
Update II: Visit Peakah's for Continuous Updates on Iraqi Elections.
Posted by Uber at 10:45 AM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
OP-ED by The Uber-Conservative
13 December 2005
Santa's watchin' you!
There I was painting bird houses and just minding my own business when the call came. Christmas is coming early in Uber-Land. I knew it would be early, like December 17th early, and I was totally cool with that because certain members of my extended family wish to celebrate Christmas with my grandmother (who now resides with me) and won't be able to make it on Christmas. Then they decided to just do it today, only letting me in on this secret yesterday (yay!), so I was up most of the night cooking and "Christmas cleaning" with much glee.
Christmas cleaning is way different than regular cleaning, btw. I'm not sure why but for some reason people must look under beds, in closets, cabinets and behind stoves in their quest for holiday cheer because this type of cleaning is extremely traditional in my family and I just can't seem to stop myself. Also my uncle (who is AF in case everyone doesn't already know) has a mean allergy to cats and I not only have 5 cats of my own, I just took 4 more stray kittens (they're so cute, photos soon...be teased!) in until homes can be found, so I walked around with a magnifying glass in search of that one cat hair I might have missed. Amazingly enough there wasn't much to be found as I've a little mild allergy going on myself and stay on that like white on rice.
So anywho, here I am with a shiny house, Christmas dinner in the works, going two pots of coffee and little sleep with less than 2 hours to look inviting, cheerful and full of Christmassygoodness. I've got to find the holiday spirit people! So far all I've found is 1/4 a bottle of wine and some dust bunnies hidden under my desk. It's too early for all that. Santa suits make me cheery but the new Santa suit has not yet arrived (the neighbor's dog slobbered on the hat of the one in teh uber-photo while running away with it- long story not going there...at least not today haha) and no amount of mascara and cinnamon lip gloss can hide the "Bah humbug, it's too early for this!" frame of mind. I shall have to delve into the special uber-conservative power of looking on the bright side.
*My sweet grammy is as happy as I've ever seen her. (that makes me sniff)
*I have a nice big family that I've not spent many holidays at all with because my parents moved around as much as I have since taking off on my own. I now have the opportunity to not only see these folks but spend almost but not quite Christmas with them. (hey that's pretty good, I impress me)
**They give really schweet presents. (now we're talkin!)
*They sneak around slipping grandma large sums of cash which she finds later, puts up somewhere "safe" and it's like a fun Easter egg hunt for months and months trying to help her find where she put it. (she spends it all on them anyhow and they know she will, the whole futile episode is amazing to watch)
*I found awesome heart shaped ornaments (I'm thinking it's a girl thing) for the Christmas tree and added them last night. That makes me really happy. (looks like in my hurry I may have put more stuff on the front than the back, I hope it doesn't fall over on someone but if it does I'll take & post a photo, as long as it's not me it falls on heh)
**They give really schweet presents (yay, presents!)
Ok, I feel better already.
As a side note, here's an awesome Christmas screensaver. My favorite ever! I tried watching it for the longest time to find "the cheer" and became car sick though so I don't suggest trying this at home kiddies. Messing with the settings and slowing the pace helps.
Don't be naughteh cos Santa's watchin' you!
Posted by Uber at 9:36 AM
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Back in October I posted Iraq- A little Bit Stronger on the topic of progress in Iraq.
Sunni representation was missing. Jihadists and Baathists used all means possible to intimidate moderates. Radical clerics used all influence at their disposal to boycott the Government. Political mistakes were made by both the Shiite-Kurdish and Coalition authorities, which alienated other Sunnis.
However, despite the calls for an emirate by al Qaida and the skepticism of the Arab League, the new republic produced a parliament. That January victory, even with turbulence, laid the groundwork for change in the present political scene in Iraq.
Sunnis saw a new active parliament and a thriving media as political life developed before their eyes. By August 2005, there was a Sunni "position" toward the constitutional debate. Many Sunnis distanced themselves from Zarqawi's "refusal of all constitutions" and chose criticism of the constitution instead.
Now today we see this.
FALLUJA/RAMADI Iraq (Reuters) - "Saddam Hussein loyalists who violently opposed January elections have made an about-face as Thursday's polls near, urging fellow Sunni Arabs to vote and warning al Qaeda militants not to attack.
In a move unthinkable in the bloody run-up to the last election, guerrillas in the western insurgent heartland of Anbar province say they are even prepared to protect voting stations from fighters loyal to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, leader of al Qaeda in Iraq.
Graffiti calling for holy war is now hard to find.
Instead, election campaign posters dominate buildings in the rebel strongholds of Ramadi and nearby Falluja, where Sunnis staged a boycott or were too scared to vote last time around.
"We want to see a nationalist government that will have a balance of interests. So our Sunni brothers will be safe when they vote," said Falluja resident Ali Mahmoud, a former army officer and rocket specialist under Saddam's Baath party.
"Sunnis should vote to make political gains. We have sent leaflets telling al Qaeda that they will face us if they attack voters."
The shift is encouraging for Washington, which hopes to draw Sunni Arabs into peaceful politics in order to defuse the insurgency.
The Baathist warning to al Qaeda raises the possibility of a wider rift between secular Saddam loyalists and fundamentalist militants, who have been cooperating in their efforts to drive out U.S. forces."
Without even going into much "good news" detail, how is it possible to not see consistent progress in Iraq?
Posted by Uber at 1:50 PM
Why yes, it's a meme. Only after careful consideration, I've chosen my victims. Ok, so almost every blog where I comment often had been tagged already but there are other blogs out there that I thoroughly enjoy, whose authors I wouldn't mind laughing at and causing general suffrage. The question is, will they respond?
We shall see!
First, here are the rules as I know them. List five weird habits then tag five other unsuspecting bloggers.
BillyBudd of American Dinosaur
Pete of iHillary
Spacemonkey of The Flying Spacemonkey Chronicles
Matt of This Blog is Full of Crap
Bill of TechNudge (who you should all go vote for!)
C'mon people, don't be shy! We've got everything from free-ballers to gold diggers (and I don't mean the Anna Nikole Smith variety) to the experimentally extreme as well as the OCD and particularly schweet cat smoochers. ;)
What have you got to lose, besides a few extra hits? (Yeah, I can only promise a few, sorry.)
Posted by Uber at 8:56 AM
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Let the weirdness begin!
I didn't realize I had so many weird habits until asking friends, which was inspired by my being tagged by the good Doctor, who you should all go vote for AND AVOID A HURTIN!. Thanks a whole lot btw Doc, I'm almost considering therapy! Meh, not quite. Seriously, until asking others, I couldn't think of much of anything that weird at all except maybe not being able to stand even a speck of dust on my shoes (almost wrecked once trying to wipe my shoe while driving, talk about a wake-up call). Now, I have way more weird to ramble on about than that! Yay.
There I was, no sh*t, thinking I was perfect. After I asked around, narrowing it down to a mere 5 weird habits became difficult.
5. I think perhaps I'm a bit overly theatrical when sporting a new and really cool article of clothing. I think this because a friend recently said to me, "Have you worn the jacket yet? I'm not going anywhere with you until you've worn the jacket. C'mon, at least a few times and you've gotten all of that, you know, spy-ee-ness, out of your system." That's one awesome floor length black leather jacket, btw, very sleuthy. I just got new sleuthy boots to match too so look out world! (Thanks ma!)
4. I teach all my cats to give me a smooch and have been doing so since I was just little. Here's me somewhere between 14 and 15 yrs old, New Years Eve, kissing my cat. (Feel free to laugh at my mom's fruity chair but I will have to inform you, like she always did me, that that chair was an antique, in the family for many years, and some day you will be begging for it! Oh, and poor children in Africa would love to have a chair just like that.) I find that fruity chair to be more weird than kissing my cat. I kid, I kid...we all love that chair! (Hey, you never know who might be reading.)
3. I conduct semi-scientific experiments for no other reason than "I just gotta know". All those lame and fleeting things you wonder then quickly forget? I just gotta know. An example would be finding out what it might be like to be a woman with really generous (read:HUGE) breasts at age 20. I stuffed big time and went out with a friend, stopping at a convenient store and to enroll him in the local community college. I forgot my id and money in the car at the convenient store and the clerk waved his hand like a magician insisting I take the soda, gum, and cigarettes for free (and without id) without ever making eye contact for even a second. I didn't really blame him after the friend (who totally knew) kept staring, laughing, and apologizing for staring. I almost fell down looking at them myself while crossing the road at the college. Very distracting indeed!
2. I'm constantly saying things which have extremely obvious (and usually naughteh) double meanings that I don't think of until after I've said it. I think it's a nervous weird habit because that's usually when it happens...the worst possible moment. I don't mean to, honest, but it's usually so obvious that to even try to deny I meant "it" any other way would be unbelievable, only making "it" way worse (because I'm not normally a bit "slow" but quick witted, I promise!). So instead I then ramble, making no sense, in an attempt to move beyond "it" which makes "it" way worse anyhow and can't stop. Like now. ;) "Just stop talking now" is common advice whispered to me from behind by good hearted friends. Good stuff, there.
1. Finally, I take "vacations in my head" (which involves lots of music, wine, bubble baths and working on my art but I did once sleep for 48 hrs, a record that Dr. Phat Tony seems to have broken...aarrgh!), refusing to answer the telephone or the door because "duh, I'm not here, I'm on vacation." The last time I took a vacation in my head my mother found my answer "I couldn't because I wasn't here, I was on vacation" to be an inappropriate response to her interrogation into why I didn't answer the phone for 2 days. The weirdest part is that I'm so strict about the rules of "the vacation" in order to get a little quiet from time to time that as I explained it to my mom, I almost forgot that I wasn't really gone. At first she was a bit irritated but then she looked really concerned about the admission of the "in my head" part of the vacation and decided to visit me more often. Yay! Especially since I used to be quite the "social butterfly" who now resides somewhere between a pile of horse poo and "that big tree yonder". An example of what I do while "on vacation" involving exploration of subtly combining digital art and photography (and to satisfy the "post more photos!" squad *g*) -
Since I've broached the "weird" subject friends will be saying "Hey, something else you do that's weird as hell..." until the end of time (or at least a couple of weeks) even though I'm soooo done with this introspection. I will enjoy "tagging" others so they might be able to suffer the fun as well. Bwahahaha!
I'm out! Happy fun stuff Saturday, off to Christmas shop before I go and do something really weird, like put my hard earned cash into the savings account instead.
Hope y'all are having a fabulous weekend!
Posted by Uber at 11:06 AM
Friday, December 09, 2005
GO VOTE FOR INSOLUBLOG RIGHT NOW OR I'LL HURT YOU! And because it will make me happy but mostly because Insolublog totally deserves your vote! Read this for example.
It appears that there be a poet in our midst. Yay!
Awww, I made a new friend. Schweet!
Dr, Phat Tony shares a little bit TMI, but he does so with flare! Read the confessions of a free-baller and you'll never be the same. Oo
Tyler D. of 45-Caliber Justice shows how Second-guessing is fun! And hindsight is 20/20.
5th Street Truths (that's a really catchy blog name isn't it?) shares some Christmas Memories. Wowie, and I thought my grandpa's rendition of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and Shotgun Shells, Santa Smells was strange. Grandpas...gotta love em!
A Female Soldier attempts to explain the difference between sharing a differing view and calling her such things as "baby killer", "whore" and "slut" in The Great Debate. Bless her for trying, I surely would not. A favorite quote about there being 'no personal problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives' comes to mind for some reason. Ah, in a perfect world.
CJ, of A Soldier's Perspective, attempts to Counter the Stupidity as well. Good luck, CJ!
Conservathink is MIA it would seem. Yet he remains a Marauding Marsupial in the TTLB. How does he do that? Hm. Anywho, shout out "I'm Aliiive!" or something soon Damian!
GO VOTE FOR INSOLUBLOG RIGHT NOW OR I'LL HURT YOU! And because it will make me happy but mostly because Insolublog totally deserves your vote! Read this for example.
Fitch, of Radioactive Liberty (who will also be needing your vote, OR I'LL HURT YOU!), celebrates his 5,001st hit by presenting valuable prizes to one lucky visitor in Grim Milestones and Conjugal Visits. A must read!
Haven't heard much provocating from Peakah in awhile, guess he is still too busy making cheap but very thoughtful Christmas gifts to post regularly.
The CUG brings us much needed Friday cheer with It's About Time. Careful here, his giddy excitement is contagious!
Last but certainly not least, Wyatt Earp of Support Your Local Gunfighter gives us all a peek into the life of a Philly detective in training in Bombs Away! Get well soon, Earpy! ;)
Update: Dang, that was like...work. Gathering permalinks, trackbacking...we should all be extra thankful for people who do this linky-love thing often.
Posted by Uber at 1:28 PM
Yesterday I took not so little any more Magellan outside in order to take a new photo since I'm way overdue for some of the exciting cat bloggin' I know y'all love so much. I also just really wanted to snap a few of him climbing trees because he's just so danged cute. Anyhow, when I stepped out the door what did my eyes behold?
Two trucks in my yard and 4 men with saws chopping down my trees. Not one or two or even three trees, but bunches and bunches of trees. In my yard! Cutting trees! I did what any good southun gal does when she sees strangers out in the cold sawing down her trees. I went back inside, made coffee for them, took it to them and asked, "Hey there, if ya don't mind my askin', why are you sawing down all my trees?" They thought that was pretty funny and were plenty grateful for the coffee. Apparently they'd been at it for quite awhile and there are no stores nearby where one might purchase a hot cuppa joe.
Turned out they were on a mission for the electric company, cutting down trees surrounding an electric pole. Glad I was nice since they were just doing their job. I pretty much figured they at least thought they were, even in the beginning. Anywho, you'd think I'd get a complimentary call, letter, note stuck to or knock on my door to warn me of something as significant as people in my yard cutting down bunches of trees, wouldn't you? Nope. The whole area (that was thickly wooded, providing privacy from the road) now looks like this-
That's soooo not pretty. The photo was shot at an angle from the corner of the house, which is much further away, but still, there goes that whole complete privacy thing. I know why the trees had to be cut and all that jazz, but doesn't it seem that the area surrounding the pole is extreme? And uneven? Ah well, I'll be out there planting trees next spring. Further from the pole than the trees cut, rest assured.
Magellan gave me three mini-strokes darting up and down trees while the men were cutting them down until they finally wrapped it up and I got a schweet new photo of him. No climbing trees photo though, he thought my stepping from the yard to the woods meant a game of chase and I tired of that game soon after the first two tries.
First, here's a photo of one of his explorations at just a little over 4 wks old.
And then the most recent photo. Doesn't he have the prettiest eyes? They're not normally as amber but more gold so I'm thinking some of that is a special effect due to the position of the setting sun. He does have a very unique eye color though.
That concludes the cat bloggin' for today. Hope everyone has a schweet weekend!
Posted by Uber at 10:50 AM
Thursday, December 08, 2005
OP-ED by The Uber-Conservative
08 December 2005
Hooray for not being idiots!
I've noticed for some time now that while those of us on the right don't always agree on everything, we do have much in common. First and foremost on my mind would be the ability to look on the bright side of most things. Perhaps not right away but eventually, if there is any bright side to be seen, those on the right will find it.
Downer- I'll be paying for my house until after I'm dead.
On the Bright Side- Perfect! As an artist, that's exactly when I'll be rich & famous!
Downer- Owning a home is lots of work without a maintenance man to rush right over.
On the Bright Side- One can always ogle the Lowes guys while getting "help" picking out the replacement hot water heater, central air thermometer, tile, paint, wallpaper, etc, etc and pay less for the repairs and improvements in the end. Also save money on a gym membership because you no longer need it.
Downer- A friend's child constantly bringing pieces of the house to me every time they visit.
On the Bright Side- Eventually this house will be brand spankin' new, piece by piece. And aren't those dimples on that kid cute?! She'll likely have one of her own some day, that's just like her, dimples and all (kids- gotta love em).
This ability to look on the bright side applies to other aspects of life as well.
A relationship doesn't work out? One less mouth to feed or that much less laundry to do (ok, so that's a stretch). John Kerry calls service members terrorists (again)? We get to publicly point out that he's a liberal and nobody on the left called him on it (again). "Patriotic protestors" burn U.S. flags? We not only get to see who these people are but what politicians they support as well as what politicians support them. Sharing that info with others is half the fun. Also, it's been my experience that a renewed love and respect for the flag grows in the place of complacency wherever flag burning occurs. Look how many flags popped up around the nation when some on the left decided it was a good idea to act offended at the very sight of a U.S. flag. Double bright side there, many saw their true colors and responded with red, white and blue. Howard Dean is an idiot? The bright side is, well, Howard Dean is an idiot! And he's not ours. That helps. If he were ours we'd stick him in the attic and put him to licking toxic stamps or something (read: out of media, out of mind). How's that for looking on the bright side? Hooray for not being idiots!
Now, I imagine those on the left are able to look on the bright side as well, the difference is that they look at things like wounded/fallen service members and American defeat on the whole as being "on the bright side" of things. They hope to weaken support for the war on terror, to get the U.S. out of Iraq quickly, before victory can be achieved because American success means potential Democratic failure. Having run their mouths so much at this point their only hope truly is complete American defeat. This is why they are obsessed with numbers, ignore (distort or lie about) every success (large or small) in Iraq while highlighting every failure (large or small). They need death and destruction of service members as well as American defeat in order to find the bright side. As if one wounded or fallen service member doesn't matter every bit as much to this nation as one thousand. As if one thousand changes the importance of success for every single sacrifice made as well as for the U.S. as a whole. Add to all of the lies and distortions the constant groundless attacks and what you have is not every day politics and dissent at all but self-centeredness of the worst kind.
What liberals are doing to America is lots like what my grandma calls "cutting off the nose to spite the face" only it's more like cutting off the face to spite the nose and reward the knife. They can call this "patriotic dissent" all they like but they definitely crossed the line a long time ago. This is not patriotism*** of any kind because it must have a love of one's country at the bottom of the dissent**** in order to be defined "patriotic". To merely dissent is not necessarily patriotic (although it can be) nor can the love of one's own self, power, and or political party that inspired the dissent of whatever given topic be patriotic unless the best interest of the United States of America is at the heart of the dissent as well.
When an American actively works against their nation in the process of attaining their own personal best interests, this is treason* or at the very least, sedition**. There may be some who don't realize what they are doing, who honestly believe their party stands for something more than itself, but after some time and all that has occurred, I think most must know by now exactly what they are about, what they are doing and why. Were I in their shoes, having to choose between my party's best interest and my nation's best interest (keeping in mind that failure for service members= death), I'd have to walk away from my party and just look on the bright side; "At least I am still a citizen of this great nation where there is hope for a better tomorrow." Of course, this personal patriotism that I feel towards the United States and her service members is why I'm attracted to the Republican Party in the first place. (I'm a libertarian who has been registered as an Independent but voting R forever it seems, only officially "crossing over" last year, just for the record. Also, I did not vote for Bush the first time around but only because I was unable to walk at all so instead I watched the whole ballot counting thing yelling this and that at the TV like it was a football game while friends brought me drinks then ran away and hid, just for the record.)
Back to my point. Yes, I have a point.
All U.S. citizens (Liberals, Democrats, Libertarians, and Greens alike) owe allegiance to the United States of America and this includes the President chosen by her people whether he or she (go Condi!) is a Republican or not. The difference between dissent, treason, and sedition should be clear to all and if there were any ramifications for committing treason or sedition, I do believe many (if not all) would make it their business to figure out exactly what that difference is. One summarization is the difference between honesty and dishonesty of our leaders in their dissent as well as knowingly and repeatedly damaging the U.S. as a whole in the attempt to acquire power and/or damage another political party. (To quote a wise teen I know- Well, duh!) While I wouldn't really enjoy seeing my fellow American be brought up on charges of treason or sedition and don't think this would necessarily be good for the nation, I do believe not having the spine to charge those who cross that line will be far more harmful to the U.S. in the end. I'm sure there are many who would agree with me but I seriously doubt that there are many with the spine to actually make it happen. But look on the bright side, at least we have the freedom to use the left's extra liberal freedom of speech against them to thwart their attempts to become the victors (and become the undoing of our great nation in so doing).
Insolublog comments on the subject of bringing charges (or not) of sedition-
"This can work well, even if this charge is only in the court of public opinion.
Holding the MSM just as accountable for consistently providing the public stage for sedition, while claiming fraudulent objectivity, is just as important. They do the exact same thing with terrorism. The media puts the terror in terrorism. They also put the dissemination in sedition."
*treason- 1 : the betrayal of a trust: TREACHERY 2 : the offense of attempting by overt acts to overthrow the government of the state to which the offender owes allegiance or to kill or personally injure the sovereign or the sovereign's family
(This word expresses a betraying, treachery, or breach of allegiance. The Constitution of the United States, Art. III, defines treason against the United States to consist only in levying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid or comfort. This offence is punishable by death. By the same article of the Constitution, a person shall be convicted of treason on the testimony of two witnesses to the same overt act or on confession in open court.)
**sedition- : incitement of resistance to or insurrection against lawful authority
(The word describing conduct which is directed against a government and which tends toward insurrection but does not amount to treason is sedition. Treasonous conduct consists of levying war against the United States or of adhering to its enemies, giving them aid and comfort. The raising commotions or disturbances in the state is a revolt against legitimate authority. The distinction between sedition and treason consists in that though its ultimate object is a violation of the public peace, or at least such a course of measures as evidently engenders it, it does not aim at direct and open violence against the laws, or the subversion of the Constitution.)
***patriotism- : love for or devotion to one's country
****dissent- 1: to withhold assent 2: to differ in opinion
I can't sleep due to insomnia again, but look on the bright side. I cleaned my room, put up a Christmas tree, installed a central air thermometer, and you all got to witness an uber-insomnia "put the treasonous liberals in jail for the love of God!" rant. ;)
Posted by Uber at 6:33 AM
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
JibJab is looking for 15 people to be in the opening scene of their next JibJab (which launches some time in December). People who can (or think they can) make a good "Completely Confused" face, have been invited to upload their "Completely Confused Face" photo onto the website. Winners will be playing a confused reporter at a press conference reacting to something said by the President of the United States. I think we can all imagine where they are headed with this one.
Anyhow, some of the submissions so far are actually pretty funny, others...just scary. Click on one of the two photos to vote for the best (and to view the next two photos) or sign up for membership to view the entire gallery.
Posted by Uber at 10:19 PM
Monday, December 05, 2005
Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable and just won't die already (most likely because of underground fruitcake people like this), with folks saving them for the following year to give to someone else, I've decided to share my top secret "Invincible Fruitcake" recipe. I encourage everyone to replace their family's fruitcake recipe with a more invincible one which can be cherished and enjoyed for even more years than before. And don't worry, nobody really actually eats fruitcake.
8 Oz. Dried Fruit Bits** (the older the better, try eBay for "basement dried fruit sellers")
Large Dead Blow Mallet*
1 Pint of Baileys Irish Cream Liqueur***
Cool Safety Goggles
NEVER ATTEMPT THIS RECIPE WITHOUT WEARING FLANNEL AND COOL SAFETY GOGGLES!****
Me making fruitcake for example-
Ok. Cut a 1 to 1 1/2 foot section from the middle of your log, about the size and shape of a loaf of bread. Or cut a blob, it doesn't really matter. Set aside a small dish of the dried fruit pounding the rest into small bits with the dead blow mallet. Then, take the dried fruit bits and pound them into the block with your dead blow mallet. Spread the colorful bits of dried fruit all around then super glue the remaining larger bits of fruit to the top. Don't be afraid to really throw your back into driving those dried fruit bits into that log! Go crazy, mix those colors all around. Finally, wrap tightly in colorful plastic wrap (red is my favorite!) to give your fruitcake that nice warm glow then use three rolls of scotch tape to fasten a pretty bow on top and give all your friends and loved ones the durable gift of Invincible Fruitcake!
*Warning: eBay's "basement dried fruit bits" will be much harder than the dead blow mallet but hey, it was only 10 bucks and you really want to "wow" friends and loved ones, don't you?
**Tip: The only other way to achieve the desired extreme dried fruit bit effect would be to pre-treat the dried fruit bits by spreading them out here and there in your basement for two years, on top of your garage or dog house for one year (or microwave on HIGH for 3 hours, turning after every 30 minutes) but this will require some planning ahead.
***Take plenty of breaks and be sure to rehydrate with Baileys delicious Irish Cream Liqueur to put you in that "holiday fruitcake" kinda mood.
****Cool Safety Goggles will ensure you look cool while not losing an eye and one can never ever use a wood saw without first donning a flannel shirt. The latter needs no explanation other than "Because that's just the way it's done!" Go ahead, ask any flannel wearing carpenter, just be sure you're wearing those cool safety goggles when you do.
Disclaimer, to be read real fast: It is suggested that children not witness much less attempt this recipe at all but especially not without constant and sober adult supervision.
Posted by Uber at 11:49 AM
Saturday, December 03, 2005
of Insolublog VRS Frank Galvin brought to us by Dr. Phat Tony, who you should all go vote for.
Proud lefty Frank Galvin, it would seem, has dusted off that same old charge of "yeah well, y'all are Nazis!" He even tries his hand at hacking up The Alliance logo, poor attempt but let's give him some credit for the effort involved, minimal as it may be. I was given an honorable "Nazi" mention but didn't even get linked. Dang. There goes my dream of having my very own little liberal troll since dear FG doesn't appear to want the job. I asked him nicely and even offered a little trolling tip.
Anyhow, I pretty much have nothing more to add to the same tired ass charge of "y'all are Nazis", except maybe "Dude, that is so yesterday", especially since Insolublog pretty much knocked him out in Round 1.
Remember FG, my previous offer still stands, especially on Mondays, those are slow. :)
Posted by Uber at 8:02 PM
...has some asinine answers to your not nearly as asinine as I thought they would be questions!
(Hey, where do so many of you get off being so busy on a Friday anyhow?)
No matter, being of the female persuasion I've easily managed to turn just a few questions into one really looong Q&A. So HA!
Uber and Loki,
I was born in the Chinese year of the snake. Recently, NZ Bear put me back into the slithering reptile category. My blog keeps getting hot-linked Google hits for this image. Is there a sign here?
Yes, but the snake symbolism is usually always good unless in dreams, in which case I will totally need all juicy details in order to expound upon it any further. Otherwise, considering the fact that you've not posted since Thanksgiving yet remain strong in the same category as others (like me) who have been posting non-stop, don't panic! Quality trumps quantity every single time (well, unless you're getting nothing at all, anyhow). Anywho, no worries. Snakes are like weebles (they weeble and they wobble but they won't fall down) and we'd probably all hate you for that except snakes are just so damn charming and likeable as well champions of their game. heh
All signs point to just post stuff for us to read already, will ya!
Wyatt Earpy asks-
Uber - I keep flirting with the female readers of my blog, and it's getting me nowhere. Does it have to do with my troll-like appearance, my Michael Moore-like obesity, or my painfully unfunny writing?
First of all, they all love ya, Wyatt. Otherwise, they'd just curse you, run away and hide, or all three. Not running away, hiding, or cursing you is always a good sign. Second, studies show that women not only enjoy a good game of "flirt" but instigate the game 2/3 of the time. You guys just don't know it because we are so subtle about it.
to convey subtle messages like...
I imagine it would be impossible to get this vibe via blog flirts so you'll just have to trust me here. Somewhere someone is sitting behind their monitor winking, giggling, laughing, and batting eyelashes as a direct result of that special uber-charm that only you ooze. ;)
We can only hope that their blinds are closed.
Insolublog asks s'more-
Has Uber ever oppressed you with her evil conservative racist stance on affirmative action? Have you ever had to file a Justice department complaint, or call FEMA, because she arrived too late to clean your litterbox?
What litterbox?! I haven't seen that litter box in months! If I don't curl up at her feet, in her lap, or somewhere that she can "see" me, I'm promptly thrown right back outside. It's been like this ever since "Sugars" was impregnated and produced yet another vanilla rat that spits and meows (and of course I was blamed for that whole mess). Sure she'll say I'm put out because I might "spray" that spray that "smells worse than hippy breath on massive steroids" and has just been "hesitant" to have my "fuzzy dice" lopped off but we know the real deal now, don't we.
Now, I'll be danged if she hasn't brought another one of those cracker cats into the home. This one tells everyone she's Persian although it's more like persian, devon rex, and plain old house cat found in some forsaken ditch which pretty much amounts to a spoiled but insanely "friendly" fake that is so nosy as to alternate between staring at me with her nose 1/4 an inch from my own and smelling inside my ear whilst I attempt to choke down those cardboard and tuna flavored pebbles they call food to the tune of wet heavy breathing and "Oh oh, isn't that just soooo cute!"
Can't even get a good nap around here nowadays and you can just forget using the phone to call for help, if it's not hidden under a pillow so she doesn't have to "hear it ring" but doesn't want to unplug it and "miss a message", it's strategically placed in the middle of not one, not two, but THREE dishes of that sweet smelling potpourri that's really just there to distract. Makes me sneeze from smelling or gag from trying to eat it when I'm not compelled beyond my control to smack it around some as is ingrained into my psyche through generations of control and conditioning.
But... as long as she has a nice lap, lets me in when I meow, and the other humans around here continue to cling to that whole suppressive "dogs rule, cats drool" mentality, I guess I'll keep coming back home. Besides, that little white nut job ditch rat will grow up and provide some "entertainment" soon enough. Mwahahaha...er...Mreowhowhowyeow!
(Loki's being scheduled for the lopping off of the "fuzzy dice" shortly after Christmas in no way has anything to do with his "status" or blog comments. Bwahahaha!)
Tyler D asks-
Has everyone seen Fahrenheit 1861?
No, but after meditating (glass of wine), viewing, and "meditating" some more I've a prediction. Many will post this link and many more will watch but not all will see. Some who see will say "Hmm", "Heh", "Exactly", "Indeed" and others will say "Nazis!", "Bu$hitler!", "Repuke!", "Repug!" and those who watch but do not see will say "WTF? That totally makes no sense. Oh yeah, Bu$shitler sucks! I'm rubber you're glue, whatever you say bounces offa me and sticks to you!"
Yay! That was fun...er.. I mean maniacally and eeeeevilly conservative.
Have a terrific weekend. :)
Posted by Uber at 5:30 AM
Friday, December 02, 2005
...the evil conservative Gypsy...
Romance, "gender" issues, politics, education, the arts, evil conservative horoscope and dream analysis, etc.
You decide, I'll make asinine stuff up. ;)
Disclaimer- I don't believe even half the stuff I tell myself and yes, the photo of Loki and I has undergone digital image processing, I'm not really blue. Nor do I have a crystal ball that does more than collect dust but I'm certain that if I did have a crystal ball that told me stuff about life, that stuff would be asinine.
Posted by Uber at 9:28 AM
Thursday, December 01, 2005
WASHINGTON - "The Supreme Court on Wednesday wrestled with a New Hampshire law that requires a parent to be told before a daughter ends her pregnancy, with no hint the justices were ready for a dramatic retreat on abortion rights under their new chief.
The court is dealing with its first abortion case in five years, as well as the first in the brief tenure of Chief Justice John Roberts."
This is more an issue about parental rights than abortion and it's an American majority (roughly 7 in 10 Americans favor laws that require women under 18 to not give parental notification but seek parental consent for any abortion) against organizations like ACLU (who are just plain nuts and don't get linkage), Planned Parenthood (who stand to line their pockets with more money from more abortions that may result from little girls who are scared, alone and more likely to choose life with parental notification/support) and Democrats (who are a mixture of the previously mentioned and interested in lining the ballot boxes with votes from loons who think that any sane law at all concerning abortion is "unconstitutional" and harmful to the cause.
It is the irresponsible and self-serving who will work against parental notification laws as it is in the best interest of the child that parents be notified before any and all serious medical procedures.
Posted by Uber at 9:11 AM