Saturday, July 30, 2005

10 Tempting Ways to Spend a Date-Free Night

So here I am alone on a Saturday night after hosting a teen slumber party last night. I fell asleep way before anyone else and woke at 4 am with popcorn imbedded into my forehead. Too tired to make, or want to make, any Saturday night plans, I was home to receive a call from a long time girl friend who calls every now and again during the slow moments from work...the same friend who has worked every single weekend, save two a year when she vacations, for the past 10 years. Lets just call her Mindy because that is her name. After stating the obvious fact that she never has time to enjoy Saturday night she said, "Well at least I'm not home alone and dateless on a Saturday night."




I actually really do like occassional "me time" without worrying myself over "a man" or a constant stream of friends to entertain and do not understand how it is that any woman (or man for that matter) sits at home stressing about such a thing. Most reactions to this reply is complete disbelief. This got me to thinking that maybe my opinion on the matter is not the norm so after our call ended I searched the amazing google for answers while shoveling in Chinese take-out. Mmmm spicy Chinese.

Anywho, my search turned up some interesting things that I did not know. The world is full of women who are desperate to be told that they are of value even if they don't have a significant other with which to share the "sacred" Saturday night.

There are all sorts of articles written to help them out and here I will totally shred the first one I came across. Girls out there, I'm here to help. Honest. This BS was written by JC something or another, I forgot exactly, and all we share are initials (free teaser for the Saturday night stalkers out there). At first glance at the title I imagined this was really just 10 worthless masturbation tips that would put even Cosmo to shame but I had to check it out to be sure (for scientifical purposes of course) and boy was I wrong. Nothing but silly loser talk from JC something or another follows-

Curse your dateless weekends no more. The trick to spending a satisfying Saturday night alone is simple: Be your own date, but be the very best date you've ever had. Take charge of treating yourself right! These 10 tips will get you started:

1. Realize that it's his loss that he hasn't found you yet.

This is loser talk. Stop sitting around waiting for him to find you or you to find him and just live your life already.

2. Clean a closet, drawer or file. Never underestimate the power of creating order. External order breeds internal order.

Make no mistake, cleaning on a dateless or otherwise boring Saturday night is pathetic. Pathetic behavior breeds self-loathing.

3. Cook a fabulous meal. Set the table. Light candles. Enjoy your company. Thank your lucky stars that you are not out with a pompous bore.

C'mon. Insulting future mates before you've even even met them is no way to get a date on Saturday night or to feel good about yourself. Throw on some sweats, order out, and thank God for the Chinese for once. Mmm. Spicy Chinese!

4. Work out. Strength begets strength.

It's Saturday night. Really treat yourself! Imagine Brad Pitt working out while finishing off a container of double fudge ice cream. Straight from the container.

5. Paint a room. Transform your home into an oasis. If this project seems too daunting, start small. Buy big, fluffy towels in your favorite color.

Skip painting, refer to number 2, go rent movies starring Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson, or Tom Hanks instead, this is your oasis. Scope out the parking lot while there for a live one if you must. Ya never know, I suppose!

6. Take a candlelight bubble bath. Drink champagne while you're doing it. Pink lemonade will do, as long as you drink it from elegant stemware.

Who doesn't love a candlelight bubble bath? But if you're going to do it, do it right. Skip the champagne, chill a bottle of red wine, drink straight from the bottle while soaking. Pink lemonade? Can't help you there.

7. Sign up for a class -- make sure it's fascinating. Knowledge is a wonderful thing.

Even thinking of "signing up for a class" on a Saturday night is pathetic. That's Monday-Thursday talk.

8. Rent a classic movie. Make popcorn. Watch the movie in the dark and pretend you're in a real movie theatre, minus the person with the really big hair sitting directly in front of you.

Ok, the whole pretend you are in a theatre is not only pathetic but disturbing as well. Geez why not just pretend you have a date? Better yet, watch the Brad Pitt movie (does it really matter which one?), pretend he is sitting beside you if you must pretend anything at all. This will be easier if you've properly scoped out the parking lot and landed a warm body to sit beside, this is the only difference between you and those with significant others and/or a date. Don't tell me you can't imagine Brad Pitt on your couch. I know you can!

9. Light candles, listen to beautiful music, read a great book. Maybe it's time for War and Peace.

Take advice listed in number 6, the candles will have already burned down and your neighbors will be thinking war not peace at the sound of your post-wine dance tunes through walls. Yay! Work out! You won't feel a thing.

10. Don't project. You will only be dateless for the rest of your life if you think you will be. Instead, live in the moment and start with this one. A series of positive moments add up to a great life, man or no man.

"Instead, live in the moment and start with this one" is the only thing I can agree with here and find myself wishing for the sake of every woman who may have followed the advice above that this had been a worthless list of masturbation techniques after all, there's not much more pathetic than all this loser talk.

Oooo, See ya'll tomorrow. Brad's calling, gotta run! heh


Dr. Phat Tony said...

I've always liked; Get drunk, wallow in self pitty, and make phone calls to people you know completely embarrassing yourself. That's a good night in.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Way to fisking!
I will not, however, be thinking of Brad Pitt on my couch!

Uber said...

Ok, yeah, there's always that too. lol I've received a similar call or two from my brother when he was in Korea. ;)

Uber said...

Aight jimmyb...suuure...whatever. hehe