Saturday, July 23, 2005

Sh*t Happens!

(That sh*t's for you, Doc)

Due to a personal emergency, (internet service being out is an emergency, right?) I have been unable to partake in blogging as of late. I've changed from cable to DSL now, (take THAT Warner!) and hopefully no more sh*t will happen for awhile, at least to my internet service.

Thanks to all who continued to visit during my unexplained disappearance.

With no access to news for a couple of weeks, not even MSM, the choices today are-

A) Cat Blogging

and

B) Blogging about some interesting things that I learned during the time without cable television and internet access.

I think the choice here is pretty obvious.

Hooray for cat blogging!

My four year old cat, named Sugars because she is solid white and likes kisses (aka sugars), finally gave birth (for the very first time) almost two weeks ago to two very adorable white kittens. One solid white female and one white male with a tiny black spot on top of his cute wittle head. Methinks my solid black cat, Loki, undoubtedly left his sig on the entire situation there. (Give him a break, he's a one year young novice.)

Ok, ok. Just kidding! Enough with the cat blogging.

Top Ten Things I Learned While Without Cable TV and Internet

10. A cat can give birth to one kitten one day, give birth to another 48 hours later and actually survive the ordeal. (Also, yelling "Push! Push!" at a cat during the birthing process only makes them yawn and reply with "meow?")

9. My personal life possibly revolves around my cats a little too much.

8. My neighbors are upper-middle class rednecks, I like them. (Except the crazy tree people who made things up and called the Health Dept. on me repeatedly soon after I first moved in a year ago for no apparent reason other than being crazy and growing fruit trees for a living with whom I have retaliated against by telling the entire neighborhood what the Health Dept. inspector told me even though who called the complaint in was supposed to remain confidential because he was ticked about having to drive out here 3 times in two days for no sane reason in addition to calling them "the crazy tree people" every single time I refer to them, even if...no... especially when they are within ear shot. heh Crazy fruit tree people....ggrrr! Never trust them!)

7. Everyone in my neighborhood turns off all their lights not answering their doors, obviously in bed by 7pm, and none have internet access in their homes anyhow (that they will admit to me!).

6. The little sign on the AC pump outside my home that says something like "Check to be sure there are no other power sources blah blah even if you've shut off breaker before touching wires yadda yadda" literally means just don't touch the wires at all. Ever. Doing so anyhow is definitely not a good idea. And especially not in the rain.

5. Picking black berries at midnight by the light of the moon (read by light of a cigarette lighter) for a cobbler sounds like way more of an adventure than it actually really is.

4. It is possible to perform donuts in a muddy field on a riding lawn mower but only if you go at it in 6th gear. From atop a steep hill. No braking on the way down. If you do not have a muddy field your back yard can be turned into one after a good rain and only a few attempts at doing donuts at high speeds on a riding lawn mower from atop a steep hill.

3. Murray makes the crappiest riding lawn mower in existence, but substituting as a cheap imitation of a 4-wheeler, it will show its true worth. Even if it is torn all to hell in one singular but gloriously muddy day and your grass has grown to your knees over the following mowerless weeks you will not be sorry for this one. Especially if you've much experience in ownership of the Murray riding lawn mower.

2. Whoever it was that said that none of life's problems seem as big while sitting on a log in the middle of the woods obviously doesn't know that bees like to create hives inside old logs in addition to red ants. They obviously don't have allergies either.

1. If you purposely (even if subconsciously) have dinner at a late evening hour in order to watch Bill O'Reilly's no spin Factor while you eat and your heart literally aches for him while choking down a filet mingnon and staring at the blank TV screen when your cable is temporarily out...ya might have a problem and need to consider professional help. Like getting Direct TV instead of cable TV!


Extra Credit- I really, and I mean really, missed you guys! On the edge of my log wondering things like, how danged funny were the last two IMAO podcasts? Is Doc Phat Tony in jail for creating slander about his local weather man in the maniacal Ban the Dan plan yet? Has The Conservative UAW Guy eaten old blue cheese gone bad and croaked? Was Damian G. of Conservathink nominated for Supreme Court Justice or was it some other conservative who will interpret the constitution in a way that doesn't make me want to puke and at least makes me laugh by causing liberals to cry? How will I survive the anxiousness of having to wait even one more day to get back online and link up to the refreshingly blunt and informative Tyler D. of 45-Caliber Justice?

The Uber-Conservative back in link-whoring action here- signing off and stepping out into the blogosphere in search of answers to all of life's questions. Yay!

5 comments:

Damian G. said...

I missed you, too!

AOL SUCKS!

Uber RULES!!!

Dr. Phat Tony said...

I thought the hippies got ya. They're extra smelly this time of year and that increases their power.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Hooray!
Link-whoring action rules!!!

So glad you are back. :)

Tyler D. said...

I feel so left out.

:(

Uber said...

Aw shucks. :)

Gotcha tyler d!