Thursday, January 05, 2006

Product Review

The liberal friend and I were both on a quest for the perfect massage at home (and at will) so we made a date to check out all the different products that are out there now.

Since yelling "Go away, I'm dead!" didn't work...I was drug from the warm bed at an ungodly hour to have my hair done, too. Belated Christmas gift...yay.

The gay hair stylist who is pretty difficult to get an appointment with (I hear) was brought right to my house. I woke up a few times to say "Ouch!" and we were finished.

Actually, it was more like-
Ouch. Do you want me to turn?
No. Ouch. Should I turn or something? No. Ouch. Are you certain this wouldn't be better if I turned? No! Just shut up about turning already! If I want you to turn I'll turn you! Wow, this isn't a bit like those fun happy gay stylist on TV giving makeovers. Well you aren't on TV, now are you?


My hair turned out fabulous (yay!) and then we were off to get all massaged and destressified (throwing the sadistic hair stylist out along the way...bwahahaha). And by massaged I mean taken to the mall and strapped into four different massage chairs for 15 minute free trials and by destressified I mean not.

The sales lady from hell gave the liberal the remote and walked away every single time I found myself being shoved into yet another super expensive homicidal recliner so I was turned upside down and beaten up pretty badly by the 4, 5 and 2 thousand dollar chairs. "Full body massage" sounds good but really just means you'll be squished, pinched and tortured from your head to your toes to your fingertips.

At one point, nobody was paying attention to my woes and the most expensive chair of all layed back until my back was arched. Then after pushing my knees up/folding my legs as well (I'm pretty sure I almost got a date out of that position but I don't make a habit of paying much attention to men who attempt to chat me up while having their booty massaged) it proceeded to punch up and down the length of my back. Hard, and my hands and feet were trapped.

Yeah, they come running real fast when you struggle to free a hand and go for the boot knife to stab the pretty leather chair into submission.

Anywho, the liberal and I are in full agreement (for once), the Homedics Shiatsu Masseur (that's going for 100 smackeroos at Hechts) won, hands down. And not just because there was no crazy huge price tag (but that helps), no strapping me into a death trap, or sales lady at all (much less from hell) but because it was simply the best massage. Ever. (I went back for s'more to undo the damage done by all the other "trials".)

So, if you're interested in a little heaven in your chair after a long day's work (or watching TV, whatever) here it is. :)

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