OP-ED by The Uber-Conservative
30 October 2005
"You should stop complaining and be grateful that you can pee on trees! If I were a man, the first thing I'd do is pee on something. Then I'd always pee wherever I pleased."
As witnessed by incredible doubt and controversy across the political spectrum, the nomination of Harriet Meirs was clearly a poor choice for Supreme Court. While she deserves our recognition for showing grace throughout the process and dignity in her withdrawal, it is time to ask, "What will President Bush do now?"
What should he do? You're in luck, I have the answer.
President Bush should nominate me, The Uber-Conservative, for Supreme Court Justice!
After I worked tirelessly and selflessly to get him nominated, he owes me big time. I missed meals to get out the vote for President Bush. I let my own work slide, gave up sleep and romance even. There were so many homes I visited on election day just to hear "Oh my gawd, is that today? Mamma, git yer shoes on!"
That was a really long day, waiting on election results. I laughed, I cried, I smudged my mascara. OK, so most of that was due to witnessing the live election blogging over at I.M.A.O, but still, I'm pretty sure I aged more than is normal throughout the reelection process. Then, after it was all over and it at least seemed likely that President Bush would eventually be confirmed, I went to the Bush reelection store online to buy one of those cute little tan cowgirl hats with the W on the front just to discover that they were all sold out and apparently not restocking. I couldn't even find one on E-Bay.
I didn't even get a stinking hat, Mr. President!
Ahem. Anyhow, just like Harriet, Bush owes me plenty. Moving on...
I would make a better candidate in the way that not only does President Bush owe me, but I've more in the way of evidence for others to evaluate my nomination. In deciding if my ideology passes mustard, there's my blog as well as personal quotes by and about me from friends, family, and past employers. My educational background may seem a little murky at first, because I was home-schooled for the most part and then privately tutored by an artiste who screamed "Me muse! Where's me muse?! I need me muse!!!" outside my apartment until I got a restraining order, but there is at least some educational documentation. I'm also presently taking a DL course in Constitutional Law, just because I'm interested and not only because it was on sale. Hey, it's not nothing. And unlike Miers, "I" am more than willing submit this information for dissection. Go ahead, question a home-school mother on the validity of her child's education and a crazy artiste about his "muse" (that should take care of all my critics).
To quicken the process of my nomination, I asked a few family members, friends, and past employers to go on record with some things I've said that stand out in their mind the most as well as provide some personal comments about me.
Things the Uber said to me that I couldn't forget, even after years of prayer and/or heavy drinking-
To a group of teenaged girls on the subject of the hotness of Slim Shady-
He is a weenie! A real woman would eat that boy for breakfast then demand sausage!!" (With a fist slam to counter-top.)
To a group of Army tankers in an in-depth discussion of soldiers' having to urinate in odd places while serving the great United States of America.
"You should just stop complaining and be grateful you can pee on trees! If I were a man, the first thing I'd do is pee on something, then I'd always pee wherever I pleased!!"
To a group of gay men-
"I'd never ever date a wussified liberal man. Geez, if I'm going to hell for dating liberals anyhow, I may as well just date a woman and get the real thing."
To a friend just seconds after being sick (due to only three beers)-
"My gosh, would you look at that. My makeup is still perfect! I look fabulous!!"
To a group of friends in an interesting debate on the differences between a lush and a sot-
"A sot stands on a street corner begging for money to buy that cheap bottle of 8-ball which they will drink straight from the bottle all alone. A lush will draw a large crowd doing as many expensive shots as others in the crowd will pay for, most of which require one to not touch the shot glass with their hands."
To friends on the subject of the appropriateness (or not) of drinking wine-
"As far as I know, nobody ever changed wine to water. There's a reason for this!"
Quotes about The Uber from family members, friends, and past employers-
Previous Boss man, showing Uber owns the word reliability-
"New to the dry town, I once asked Uber the location of the nearest liquor store in a neighboring town because my wife had asked me to bring home a bottle of wine. Everyone laughed at her quick reply and I later discovered that it was because not only was she new to the area as well, but probably couldn't find her way home without assistance, yet was able to instantly direct others to the nearest bottle of wine. As a Catholic this so greatly impressed me that I promoted her repeatedly.
Gay/Liberal Best Friend, showing The Uber is very tolerant-
"I'm always on the edge of my seat just waiting to hear what exciting bit of uber-conservative wisdom she'll fearlessly spout in public to get me beat up over next."
Person Who Takes Driver's License Photos at the DMV, showing Uber's ability to deal with government employees, instill a drive for quality, sway other's opinions, and worth a risk-
"When the first driver's license photo didn't turn out very well, Uber not only sweetly told me that I had what it took to be a professional photographer but encouraged me to try again and again. She also showed me how to say witty things before snapping the photo. Her third driver's license photo was just perfect! I also let her have the other two copies to keep even though I risked being fired just because she's so Uber, totally worth the risk, and asked so sweetly.
Older Brother by one year, showing The Uber's endurance in adversity, even from a young age, as well as the ability to forgive others-
I once accidentally kicked Uber hard, heel to nose, while showing her a new Karate move when we were teens and I saw her reaching for her boot knife as I ran away. Later after she cooled off she said, "That's OK, you gotta sleep sometime big boy!" I didn't sleep for days until I discovered that she'd forgotten all about it and wasn't still staying up at night plotting my demise.
Mother of 33 years, proving Uber's ability to not allow herself to be easily swayed by other's opinions, questions other's motives, and embraces traditional family values-
"That girl put every gray hair I've got on my head with all her opinions and questions about my opinions. On the subject of my getting older and requiring care, she promised to never put me in a nursing home, but instead, to lock me in a closet with a PC to play Yahoo! Literati night and day. Fine by me, say I. Oh, she's also stubborn and is just like her dad only more petite, better looking, and way nicer smelling."
83 yr old Grandmother who now resides with Uber, proving the Uber's traditional family values once again-
"She's such a good girl really. Always coming around to help me out, talk and joke. We have the most fun together, so I wanted to stay with her in case I start forgetting things as I get older. Some of the kindest people I ever knew were a bit lacking in morals, you know. My son, the one in the Air Force who everyone says is my favorite but isn't because I love all my children equally, I had 7 children you know. Anyhow, he got this new car, just like the one down the road there only it's not green and has four doors instead of two. It's shaped a little different too. But it's the same car Uber has been wanting but can't afford because she paints and takes pictures for a living and I don't reckon there's much money in that. He's so sweet he brought it over for her to see three different times now already. He's such a good boy. Anyhow, what was I saying?
Grandmother's thoughts on The Uber (when she was 21 years of age) for more perspective on the ideological development-
Uber is so pretty and smart too. Girls weren't so smart when I was that age, we hardly ever made it all the way through high school, boys didn't either though. There was work to be done, kids grew up fast. I always made good grades and was double promoted but I decided to get married before I finished school. I'm so happy Uber got a good education. It just don't make much sense to me why a girl as pretty as her with such a pretty figure isn't married yet. Maybe she should learn to cook. She's just like her grandpa with nary a penny nor a cigarette come the end of the weekend. Only he didn't jump from job to job.
Father of 33 yrs, showing Uber is able to debate, standing strong in her opinions-
She's just like me, only she sticks to what she knows is right and never pulls a 180 degree change in her argument just to infuriate her opponent and amuse herself. That's a little disappointing, but I'm still holding out some hope on that one. She once asked me if she needed to be bitchier in order to be respected like Ann Coulter and I told her no, she just needs blonde hair. And way longer legs. She's so darn cute when angered. To this day she does not know whether or not I support abortion but I've caused her to go on for hours and hours as to why pro-life women need men to stand up and help them on this issue, which she says "isn't just a woman's issue" at all. That woman's issue comment makes her turn blue. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Ha ha.
Speaking of legs, I'd like to wrap this up by sharing my thoughts of choosing a nominee based purely on gender.
That's just plain wrong, whether in choosing a man or a woman.
I think President Bush should just choose the nominee who is the most qualified individual individual. Obviously someone who conservatives will want to support as well. Who cares what liberals want? They won't be happy with anyone's ideology to the right of Nancy Pelosi and would likely cry about it even if Nancy Pelosi's evil and even more liberal twin was nominated, just because that's who they are.
...if President Bush is going to choose a nominee based solely on her gender, he should at least use a sensible method of choosing femininity. Whose legs would look best under that robe, my fellow conservatives?
Mine would, I say!
And I do not want to hear that Ann Coulter has longer legs and blonde hair. Does Ann Coulter even talk to you people?! No! She never answers your comments or e-mails, so just shut up with all of that!
So then, it's settled. President Bush should nominate me, The Uber-Conservative, for Supreme Court. Because my legs will look nice under that robe and he owes me.
I'll be needing all you conservatives out the in the blogosphere to help prop me up and get that nomination, just the same as you took Meirs down.
Or at least get the danged hat for me, that works too.
Now get out there and make it happen!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
OP-ED by The Uber-Conservative