Monday, December 05, 2005

Christmas Christmas Time is Near, Time for Joy, Time for...


Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable and just won't die already (most likely because of underground fruitcake people like this), with folks saving them for the following year to give to someone else, I've decided to share my top secret "Invincible Fruitcake" recipe. I encourage everyone to replace their family's fruitcake recipe with a more invincible one which can be cherished and enjoyed for even more years than before. And don't worry, nobody really actually eats fruitcake.

Items Needed

8 Oz. Dried Fruit Bits** (the older the better, try eBay for "basement dried fruit sellers")
1 log
Wood Saw
Large Dead Blow Mallet*
1 Pint of Baileys Irish Cream Liqueur***
Cool Safety Goggles
Flannel Shirt


Me making fruitcake for example-

Ok. Cut a 1 to 1 1/2 foot section from the middle of your log, about the size and shape of a loaf of bread. Or cut a blob, it doesn't really matter. Set aside a small dish of the dried fruit pounding the rest into small bits with the dead blow mallet. Then, take the dried fruit bits and pound them into the block with your dead blow mallet. Spread the colorful bits of dried fruit all around then super glue the remaining larger bits of fruit to the top. Don't be afraid to really throw your back into driving those dried fruit bits into that log! Go crazy, mix those colors all around. Finally, wrap tightly in colorful plastic wrap (red is my favorite!) to give your fruitcake that nice warm glow then use three rolls of scotch tape to fasten a pretty bow on top and give all your friends and loved ones the durable gift of Invincible Fruitcake!

*Warning: eBay's "basement dried fruit bits" will be much harder than the dead blow mallet but hey, it was only 10 bucks and you really want to "wow" friends and loved ones, don't you?

**Tip: The only other way to achieve the desired extreme dried fruit bit effect would be to pre-treat the dried fruit bits by spreading them out here and there in your basement for two years, on top of your garage or dog house for one year (or microwave on HIGH for 3 hours, turning after every 30 minutes) but this will require some planning ahead.

***Take plenty of breaks and be sure to rehydrate with Baileys delicious Irish Cream Liqueur to put you in that "holiday fruitcake" kinda mood.

****Cool Safety Goggles will ensure you look cool while not losing an eye and one can never ever use a wood saw without first donning a flannel shirt. The latter needs no explanation other than "Because that's just the way it's done!" Go ahead, ask any flannel wearing carpenter, just be sure you're wearing those cool safety goggles when you do.

Disclaimer, to be read real fast: It is suggested that children not witness much less attempt this recipe at all but especially not without constant and sober adult supervision.

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