Saturday, December 31, 2005

A Day in the Life of Howard Dean

(Scroll down for Part II)

Part One: The Clothes Make the Man (Confused)

Sun streaming through the curtains, Howard woke with a rub of the eye. He stretched and released a great big "Yeeeaaarrgghh!" as he searched in vain for his testicles in order to scratch them.

He sat up suddenly, remembering more important things than finding his testicles. Like the news conference in which he'd be expected to comment on the Bush administration's policy of eavesdropping on terrorists later that afternoon.

"Hoooooney!" he called into the peaceful silence, "What should I wear today?!"

"I've absolutely no idea dear!"
his wife called back sweetly. "Why don't you call your advisors and ask them?" she asked, her eye twitching as she popped several yellow candied "stress busters".

"Good idea." Howard muttered as he grabbed the phone and dialed the number. But just then, only half way through entering his advisor's telephone number, a gnawing fear gripped Howard's insides and he started over, dialing the number of John Kerry instead.

"Hello, this is the I served in Vietnam and won three medals residence."

Ahh. At last, Howard immediately became soothed by Kerry's homogeneous monotones.

"Hey buddy, it's me. I was just wondering..." Howard paused a moment to appreciate the sound of his own acute voice. "What are you wearing today? I'm not sure what I should wear, and you have such great taste...." he continued.

"Well, at the moment I'm still in my satin dressing gown." Kerry interrupted with a chuckle. Just then, Kerry heard a beep, "Hold on just a moment, Howie. I have a call on the other line." Then, "Hey, it's Teddy and he's as sober as I've ever heard him today but he doesn't know what to wear either. He suggests a three way, what do you think?"

"Well I don't know, John. You know how aggressive Nancy becomes when we do this stuff without her, and Edwards might get a little jealous...again. And shouldn't we find out what they're all wearing today before we make any important decisions? What do you think?"

"By Zeus, you're right Howie."
Kerry exclaimed with all the excitement of a wet dish rag. "What was I thinking? We need unity in the Democratic Party now more than ever. See, this is just one more reason why you truly are the best choice as our leader."

"Aw, gee. Thanks John, you really know how to make a guy feel like a million bucks. Yeeeaaargghh!!!!!!!"
Dean replied. "But enough about that, I'm still in my boxers here and it's kind of cold, lets do a five way with Teddy, Nancy, and John boy to figure out what I should wear today."

To be continued........


How will it all end? Will the Democrats be able to help Howard find something to wear, or will he forever remain on the edge of the bed in his boxers?

Tune in again later to find out.


Part II: What Do You Get When You Cross 5 Democrats With the Important Task of Getting Dressed? (A Crossdresser Perhaps?)

Once Kerry got through to all the Democrats in question, he put them on speaker and put his feet up because all of the holding of the telephone was making him tired.

"Ok people, this is an important day for the Democratic mean America. We can't afford to fumble on this one. Bush is stampling all over the civil rights of angry foreign brown-er people who are only acting out some because the American military is terrorizing them." he warned. "To combat this treasonous threat to civil rights in America and make us all look good, Howie needs to look like a real American today. So let's put our heads together."

"Hey John, I thought you said we were never to mention the t word when speaking on the issue of the foreign brown-er people who are just poor and stuff." Edwards pointed out.

"I never said that at all, John boy. I say what I mean and mean what I say. The American military are the ones terrorizing, plain and simple." Kerry haughtily responded.

Nancy chimed in with a shrill tone, much like that of nails being drawn down a chalk board. "Why don't you just shut up so we can get down to more important business b*tch boy, all our reputations are on the line here if we can't figure out what a real American looks like and dumb ass is still in his panties."

"Hey! Metrosexual men don't wear panties, Nancy. And I'm a metrosexual." Dean said.

"You don't even know what a metrosexual is, do you?!" Nancy asked Dean.

"Ok, I admit it. I don't even know what that is. You caught me." Howard laughed nervously as he looked out the window and pulled the cover over his lap. "But it's not like I'm wearing panties under my boxers either."

"Yeah!" Edwards replied. "And Nance, just for the record, I'm just trying to stay up to speed on this stuff. And it's J-o-h-n boy. You'd feel pretty ding-danged silly if you got that wrong in public."

"Do you want me to punish you, b-*-t-c-h boy? You do don't you!? You want it, just admit..."

Just then Teddy woke up and mumbled, "Wass alllla commooshun? Immm tlyin ta flink ere!"

Howard exclaimed, "Yeeeaaaarrrrgh! I can just feel the emotion crackling all the way over here people! In New Hampshire ... in South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and California and Texas and New York! And South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan! And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House, Yeeeeeaaaaaargh!" He cackled some through his chokes and coughs.

"Tone it down, eh Howie. This is why you lost the primaries to me big time. That and my humble natured war heroism in which I won three purple hearts that I would never throw away." Kerry yawned.

"Oopsie, sorry. Maybe I do get carried away just a little, but this is an exciting day for America and I'm getting chill bumps. Let's get this energy channeled into something constructive!"

"Fankfunking tashtic lidea, showard... ah hell... ah mlean Coward. Nowl wutza flunk wers we tlalnking abrout?"

"Terrorists Teddy. You want me to come over there and tell you up close and personal, don't you?! Admit it, you do don't you, you drunken bast..."

Kerry exclaimed, cutting her short. "We don't mention that t word, not ever. We do and we're dead as a political force in America, remember?"

"But you just said..."
Edwards started.

"I did not." Kerry interrupted.

"But I didn't finish what I was..."

"Clearly I never said that John boy."
Kerry continued. "But if I had I would have meant it because I say what I mean and mean what I say."

"Kerry, why don't you just admit it!"
Nancy ground out from between gritted teeth. "You did say we're never to use the t word and then you used the t word just to once again say to never use the t word. You're flip-flopping around like my husband beneath the whip and skating on real thin ice with me Mister! You want me to..."

"Now, now. No need for all of that Nancy."
Kerry explained. "While it may look like I was flip-flopping at first glance, that's so obviously not the case when you look a little deeper. I'm just flexible and willing to change course when the course needs changing. That doesn't mean I'm flip-flopping, that just means I'm perfect and the best thing that's ever happened to this nation. Besides, it's when talking about the brown-er people who are just acting out a little because they are poor that we don't use the t word. I was talking about the American military who are doing the terrorizing, that's different. Saying what I mean and meaning what I say is brave and I'm as much a hero for saying that as I am for winning three purple hearts."

"You just gotta love this guy."
Edwards sniffed.

Obviously humbled, Nancy sighed and quietly nursed the angry teeth wounds upon her lips. "That was beautiful, Kerry, the presidency was sooo yours....if the criminal and insensitive Republicans had only not threatened the largely secular American public into voting for that Jesus freak..."

On that note Teddy roused from his slumber momentarily to exclaim, "Slepterashun ov chlurch and slate!"

"Amen, Teddy!"
they all chimed together, except Dean who had grown distracted by the search for that itch again.

"Howard..." Nancy warned, "Pay attention, this is important!"

Grinning sheepishly he replied, "I'm with ya Nancy, just looking for something. It's very frustrating..YEEAAAARRGHH!"

"Ok then, enough about me."
Kerry said. "Today is Dean's day. And America's day. Can we finally get on with this now? I'm overdue for my nap."

Dean asked, "But aren't you supposed to go to work today. Vote for or against something, or whatever it is that you do?"

"Oh yeah.."
Kerry replied. "Oh well."

"Ok people, give me some input on what I should wear to that press conference today."
Dean said with renewed energy. "Hey, maybe we should call Hillary and get her advice on this."

Nancy clapped and yelled, "Yay! Oh my, Howard dear. That is an absolutely fabulous idea! As with most everything, Hillary knows everything there is to know about these 'make an American looking impression' press conference things."

"Oh no, I don't know if that's such a good idea at all Howie. Hillary scares me, the last time I called her I peed myself a little and hung up as soon as she said 'Hello'. And that wasn't the first time that's happened...pleeaase don't call Hillary."
Edwards pleaded.

"Just what are you trying to say, b-*-t-c-h boy? That a woman in power is frightening? That her opinions can't be trusted because she's female? That women aren't equal to men in this day and age? Well your attitude is sexist and disgusting! Why don't you just admit it, you want me to teach you a thing or two about women's superiority over men, don't you?! DON'T YOU?!" Nancy shrieked with indignation.

"Nancy, Nancy, Nancy" Kerry soothed. "I think all Edwards is trying to say is that Hillary can be a formidable individual to the lesser species at times, because she is so wonderfully powerful and wise in the ways of politicking."

Edwards breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh yeah, John's right as always. Have I said today just how much I love this guy by the way? Anyhow, Hillary also just isn't as easy to talk to and get close to as you are Nance. I'm not saying she's a cold fish or anything, but she just doesn't radiate near the amount of warmth that you do, which is why Howie asked you for your help and not Hillary!"

Nancy relaxed her fists, only a few slivers of fingernail remaining in the palms of her hands. "Well, of course I can understand that. Thank you, John. Thank you as well, John." Everyone one laughed hilariously at Nancy's joke and congratulated one another on their ability to be funnier and have a better sense of humor than the 'Rethuglicans', which inspired another round of giggles and congratulations.

Teddy woke again long enough to belch, reminding them all of the more serious issues at hand.

Nancy generously offered, "My best advice to you, Howard, would be to wear something 'middle of the road'. Something that's not too expensive nor too cheap, not too casual nor too dressy. Not too black, not too white. Most importantly, we should be sensible and face the fact that we're never going to figure out what a real American looks like and just never wear things that evil Republicans wear. The only way we Democrats can convince Americans that we're different and like them is to wear something Rebublicans don't wear. Ever."

Kerry beamed, "That's absolute genius, Nancy. Also, it's vaguely familiar. They say up, we say down. They say over, we say under. They say national security, we say civil liberties. They say education, we say indoctrination. They say economic freedom, we say what's that. But does anyone have any ideas as to how we can apply this tried and true liberal philosophy to fashion?"

"A bow tie maybe."
Dean suggested.

"How about some purple hearts like the ones I won and am a hero because of?" Kerry asked.

"I know!" Edwards yelled into the telephone "A dress! Republicans would never be caught dead in dresses!"

Nancy took a deep breath and counted to two. "Wrong headed and dumb assed Dean." she said. "You should have a bumper sticker made that says just that and be forced to wear it between your eyes with those lavender panties over your head. Yeah, I'm watching you. And Kerry. First of all, hello, lots of Republicans have served in the U.S. military and received medals. Including purple hearts. Second, if we go sticking unearned purple hearts on Howard the Republicans will just say 'oh but he didn't earn them, purple hearts must be earned to be admired' much like with you and your purple hearts. It just brings attention to the fact that they have earned purple hearts as well. The time may have come to just stop talking about purple hearts completely. And b-*-t-c-h boy...where to even begin..." Just then, Nancy turned somewhat purple just trying to think of all the different ways she could torture Edward.

"Dresses?! Are you high? Have you been huffing Kerry's cologne again? I know what you're up to here! You want it...oh you want it bad. And I'm gonna give it to you!" Nancy seethed, as she began ripping the strings from her sneakers.

"Wass alllla commooshun? Fer za glov of za glads muts ah klep telllin yous ignetards ahm tlyin ta flink ere?!" came Teddy's garbled patriotism, inspiring everyone to burn off some steam and yell profanities. Profanity which strongly suggested he just shut up, saving Edward's life and limb again.

Teddy blinked then passed out for good.

Kerry tentatively reopened the discussion after a long moment of fondly listening to Teddy's snore and Edward's sniffles. "While I'm clearly wounded and in denial about the end of further discussions involving my purple hearts that I won because I'm a hero, I'm wondering if Nancy has anything that doesn't involve strangulation to offer at this point."

"Yes I do, Kerry. Being a liberal woman who is superior to others I've always got an alternate plan. I think Howard should wear a suit like everyone else, only choose a color that no male Republican would dare think of, much less actually wear. This will cause him to stand apart from the Republicans showing that we Democrats really are different and have alternate plans without going too far out of the mainstream and insulting all those undecided or potential swing voting Neanderthal."

"Yeeeaaarrrgh! I love it Nancy! And I've got just the pink thing to make this day go down in history as the day the Democrats took back the White House!"

Dean and the rest of the Democrats hung up just before he jumped from bed and ran to his closet with child-like glee. He threw the pink suit on and ran for the door screaming "Yeeeaaarrrrggghhh!" in order to make it to the press conference on time.

Halfway out the door, it began to occur to Dean that he not only had no idea what to say about the Bush administration's eavesdropping on terrorists at the press conference, he had absolutely not a clue as to what to actually think about anything at all today because so much attention had been given to the whole what to wear and be American looking thing. He stepped back inside the door.

"Hooooney!" he called to his wife. "What should I think about the Bush administration's eavesdropping on terr...uh...I mean uh, innocent angry brown-er people today? Or is that Americans? Hoooooney??!!"

"I've absolutely no idea dear!"
his wife called back sweetly. "Why don't you call your advisors and ask them?" she asked, her eye twitching as she popped several more yellow candied "stress busters".

"Great thinking." Howard muttered as he grabbed the phone and dialed the number. But just then, only half way through entering his advisor's telephone number, a gnawing fear gripped Howard's insides and he started over, dialing the number of John Kerry instead.

"Hello, this is the I served in Vietnam and won three medals residence." Kerry aswered.


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